Saturday, October 26, 2013

MRI And The Infinite Sadness

God I love to explain my titles. I used to come up with such witty shit, today's title feels like a return to form for me. If you don't recognize it then you are a heathen! Greatest Smashing Pumpkins album of all time. I toyed with the idea of calling today's blog Bullet with MRI Wings, but it doesn't quite roll of the tongue the same. Besides as much as I love the song Bullet With Butterfly Wings, that's not even my favorite song on the album. That glorious honor goes to the song 1979 (note: when I went to type the title 1979 I found out to my chagrin that Num-Lock was not on, fucking world of warcraft always leaves my keyboard in disarray). If you haven't heard the song 1979 by the Smashing Pumpkins in awhile (or ever, you heretic), take a moment to listen to it and then we'll meet again in the next paragraph.


Well done good sir or lady (unless you didn't listen to it.... asshole).

Obviously there is something on my mind, as you can probably tell from the title I used and the shitty title that I had no intention of using (because it sucked, but hey, talking about it didn't suck so bad, did it?). Before I go on I would just like to note for you, the reader, that I have no idea why I feel the need to add incessant commentary to my own writing, it seems self serving (but I do find it to be hysterical). Back to whats been on my mind today: I don't really have anything to worry about, let me just say that up front; The odds of them finding something wrong are so low that I shouldn't even give it a second thought, but I am worried, that's what I do, I think about things too deeply (and use commas a lot, but hey, this isn't a fucking essay I have to turn in later, and I would feel no shame if it was).

Damn, I literally completely lost my train of thought.

I should state for the record that while I am fairly private when it comes to my sex life, I am not a private person in any other regard. For background on whats been happening, I've exhibited symptoms of potential low testosterone for a number of years. Running some tests back in 2009 and more tests this year, we discovered, in fact, that my testosterone and a number of other hormones my body is supposed to have in abundance, are low. With so many hormones being low, they want to check it at the source before they look into other options for correcting this. So on Monday I am going in for an MRI on my headal/brainal region (as the industry professionals would say). They are going to be specifically looking at any potential issues with my pituitary gland.

Like I said in one of the sentences above, the expectation is that we will find nothing and continue with some kind of run of the mill treatment. I don't have anything to worry about. Yet... I worry. Sometimes I'm fine, sometimes Im just so focused I'm not even thinking about it at all (thank you inventory discrepancies, what a welcome distraction [I totally forgot how to portray sarcasm properly in my writing, so, trust me, sarcasm in abundance with the inventory discrepancy comment]).

Wow, lost my train of thought again. Going off on barely related tangents is killer tonight. Writing at 2 am does that too a man I suppose. On the good side of things, Free Fallin by Tom Petty just started playing. All the vampires walkin through the valley, move west down ventura boulevard, and all the bad boys standing in the shadows, and the good girls are home with broken hearts, and I'm free, free fallin.

We don't have to talk about that shit anymore, what a downer. In the meantime I should mention that my kids and fiancee bought me a new game as a pick-me-up gift, Batman Arkham Origins! Played the shit out of that game for like an hour tonight before my eyelids could barely stay open, then instead of going to bed like a rational human being, I walked straight (holy shit Killing Me Softly by The Fugees just came on, I have exceptional taste in music)... walked straight to the office and proceeded to watch three episodes of season 6 of Californication. God I love that show.

Seeing all the shit Hank was going through in that show, and him being a writer and all, I felt compelled to return to my blog and pour my heart out to you, whoever you are.

So my financial situation could't be better, and the statement it couldn't be worse is equally true. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but its definitely gotten worse before its gotten better. I won't go into detail... at the moment.

Have I told you I love my new job? Its not new anymore I suppose, 10 months into it. I work with a lot of awesome people, I enjoy what I actually do and the amount of responsibility I have. There are only two downsides, the first is that I have more work than I could possibly keep up with at the moment, the second is the "political" side of the job. People are just too damn sensitive, I feel like I need to tread lightly when it comes to talking to some particular people (if you are reading this, I assure you that you are not one of those people). When our supervisor Nick was around he constantly warned me in our one on ones that I needed to speak cautiously, not be critical of peoples failures, and try to only put a positive spin on things. I see what he means, and I agree with him, I just wish it wasn't necessary for me to walk on eggshells. Sometimes you need to call a dud a dud and start from scratch.

Either way, its my second favorite job of all time (come on, working at a bookstore was fucking rad, even though at the time I was making 1/3rd the amount of money I make now).

My mind is tired, its running a thousand miles a second, but I'm starting to have trouble keeping it on track at all. I think tonight's blog is coming to a close. Caffeine is to blame for this, I have it so rarely now that it hits me like a ton of bricks.

Anyway, thanks for reading this far (you better not have skipped to the end, if you did, I'm sure you missed something hilarious).

Time to put an end to this touchy feely emo shit, I bid thee adieu.

-The J


Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Its Difficult to be a Parent

It can be difficult to be a parent at times. My son Jadon had to get some teeth pulled last week and he had a really rough time. I feel like I've asked a lot of him in regards to his teeth, he's been a real trooper.

It hurts me to see him hurt and this time was the worst. He has always been afraid of shots, or sitting in the eye doctors chair, and dentists. He has been starting to do better with the dental stuff though, he did really well when they took out his baby teeth early. But that was a cake walk compared to this.

He was begging me not to make him do it, and they hadn't even started yet. It took forever just to get the four shorts in, one for each tooth. Finally after twenty or more minutes of struggling with it he buckled down, laid back and said "I'm doing this for you Dad!"


Then the easy part was over, Jadon didn't really expect the teeth coming out to hurt so bad, he recalled what it was like to get the baby teeth out, well, these weren't baby teeth. He did well during the first tooth, but as soon as it was out, he flipped, he was in so much pain, he was bawling his eyes out, he was so upset, pleading with me to make it stop. I felt so bad, I questioned whether what I was doing was right or not. And many times I nearly broke and called the rest of it off.

But all through it I stayed strong, I reassured him that what we were doing was the right thing, that even though it hurt now, it would be worth it. Its difficult to keep that panic you feel in your heart from taking control.

I love you Jadon, I'm sorry this hurt so much, and I promise when we get the wisdom teeth out in a few years that we'll knock you out this time.

Just a quick rundown for the rest of the blog. Boys are back in school, Jadon is in 6th grade, Tristan is in 5th. Jadon started Band, he is playing the Trumpet (and he was practicing today, even though it wasn't required, the cat was not happy). Tristan is going to be a crossing guard, he is pretty excited.

Cougs play their first football game this Saturday, I'm psyched for the new season to start. I think we have a chance to make it a good game against Auburn. I'm heading to Seattle this weekend to go to PAX.

Thats about it for now.


Sunday, July 14, 2013

Late to the Party

First post of 2013!

Good thing I wasn't in a race or something, half the year has gone by and this is my first blog. The way things have been going it could be the last of the year as well.

I last blogged in November, not sure if I'll be able to remember all the shit I did between then and now. Not that that is why I am posting this.

Not sure why I am really, blogging used to be the way I relieved stress, the way I straightened out all of the thoughts running through my head. Now that I don't blog, sometimes I just think I don't have anything to replace it in my life. Makes me really want to blog again, I just don't. I'm not sure why.

Things are going pretty well right now. We just finally got out of that hell hole of an apartment and into something a little bigger but still reasonably priced. I get my own office again and should be able to set up a decent hobby space in our garage.

We just got awesome cost of living raises ($1.75 each) and our annual performance raises just happened as well. I also just got promoted to Line Lead this week, it was the path I was on but it came suddenly and unexpectedly. I'll rise to the occasion.

I miss the boys, their mom just moved to California. They are down there now, about halfway through their summer with her. It was harder than ever to let them go.

That first summer was the hardest. Expecting them to be with me, pointing out airplanes only to look in the back of the car to find empty seats. I was told it was get easier over time and for a few years that was true. But this year we really all started bonding in new ways, our interests started to align more. I interact with the kids a lot more, we talk, we play video games, we play board games, we watch more movies together (like Gladiator, The Patriot and even Scream!). It was unexpectedly harder to let them go.

The boys both have their own cell phones now, and while its costing us a leg and a foot, I am glad we made this decision. We stay in contact a lot better, Jadon has texted me more than once a week since he left and Tristan has texted a couple of times as well.

I went to Vegas for the first time last month! It was awesome, I had a lot of fun. My friend Russ was getting married. Lots of weddings this year. My cousin Bryan is marrying his boyfriend Chad later this month and Samantha's friend Brenna is getting married in October. Just more excuses for me to dress like a bad ass. ;-)

I finally started gaming more. I'd been aching to get back to my hobby for years, but it kept getting put off. My current game is Dystopian Wars, though I'd like to expand into Malifaux and Dropzone Commander once our budget can manage.

I've been thinking a lot about my past lately. The last 7 years have been a lot more eventful than the 7 before them. With as many new people that are in my life, friends and family, I can't help but miss the ones that aren't here anymore. Losing family like my Grandma, my Great Grandma and most recently my Uncle Bill passing away in his early 50s. Friends who have moved on with their lives like Sarah or just friends that are far away like Russ. People who have all had a significant role in my life.

Since I started in my new department in January I've definitely been losing weight. Its nice having a job that keeps me so active. Now that I've become a lead I think it will be a little less frustrating too. I didn't entirely get a long with the person that was my lead, we had completely different visions and they didn't mesh at all.

I really don't know what to say in this blog. I felt I needed to say something though. The drive to blog has been building up for months and months, and now that its 1:30 in the morning, hell, might as well. Maybe it will put me to sleep... or perhaps not.

A lot of other things have happened that are worth noting, but I can't think of them at the moment.

We've been doing a great job creating budgets and sticking to them, things are definitely improving.

Its going to be my 33rd birthday this Thursday. not sure what to do with myself, might be nice to go out and get a drink with some friends though. not sure. Anyone interested? Maybe My Office, Rico's or one of the Moscow bars?

Maybe Samantha can get my liquored up enough to go dancing again, I seem to really enjoy myself. Our friend Bill even showed me some dance moves the last time, he and his wife Jeannette and Samantha and I were practically the only ones dancing. Liquid Courage :-)

For those of you new to my blog, I obviously don't write these very often. Just a few times per year. But I used to write them practically once per week or more at times. During the aftermath of my marriage and the struggle for custody of my kids and wrote my blog to keep my head on straight. I used it as a way of looking at myself and the world around me in a new way. I worked through a lot of emotional pain by just sitting down at this keyboard and starting with a sentence and a few hundred words later I would feel better, sometimes a lot better. Feel free to peruse the old posts! I used to have this blog on MySpace, but since that website a-sux, I moved it all over to this website.

Anyway, spent the day playing video games with my Uncle Bob and my Cousin Braydon, had steak at my moms house and then came home. Good relaxed day, tomorrow I'll be playing a big game of Dystopian Wars (fucking awesome miniatures game, come be a nerd with me world). Then I start my birthday week on Monday, and believe me, I fucking celebrate that shit all week long.

So if your wondering why I am in a good mood, that is why. Or if you are wondering why I am in a bad mood, also why. Stressed out or superchill, its by birthday baby.

Goodnight Sucka