It's always fun to have an excited sounding post claiming you are starting something new, or that you just discovered something interesting, only to be followed up months later by a post saying____ NOT
Now that the obligatory "lets refer to the last post to make this feel like a story" comment is out of the way...
I don't feel like I'm heading in the right direction anymore. I don't feel right somehow.
My divorce was rough on me, the custody battle more specifically. I came out of that fire forged anew, aggressively reforming myself into a better man and a better father.
Before I met Nicole I experienced a period of personal growth brought on by some personal things and culumnating in my getting mugged. [NOTE: I'm sure culumnating is a word, I don't think I spelled it correctly but Google Chrome is telling me its wrong and only giving me illuminating and calculating as suggestions as to what ever the fuck it thinks I was trying to say]
I felt like a new person after this, my confidence was booming and I landed myself a girlfriend, then a baby, then a wife, then another baby. I was who I needed to be when that began, I was who they needed me to be. But during the course of my marriage, I fell apart.
I take my fair share of blame for my marriage falling apart, but that's not what I'm referring to. I fell apart. I lost who I was. I didn't become someone else, I just became less, I became lost.
This all happened again, and only now am I seeing the cycle. Once Nicole left me, it was like I started to wake up again to who I had originally been on the road to becoming, and I started following that path again. Only this time I was a daddy, and that felt perfect, it felt right.
Everything I did, I did to become a better parent and a better man. I started dating, and falling in love again and things were going great.
But dating and loving someone, that isn't a relationship. And when that started, I left the path I was on for some reason. I didn't even realize it.
Now here I am, happy and unhappy at the same time. Making the people around me happy and unhappy too. Things are good, but they are the same. I'm no longer evolving, our lives are no longer evolving. I've been sitting idle for 3 years just trying to hold my life together instead of progressing it.
I used to say that I want to be the Perfect Man and the Perfect Father, and I used to follow that up by indicating that I know that attaining perfection is impossible, it's striving for that perfection that matters most. The Journey.
I don't try for that anymore, I don't try to be better, I don't improve, I don't change.
Frankly I'm ashamed of that. The people in my life deserve better than that. I have to be better. Every day, I have to become better, do better, think better.
I need to stop living in a fog.
I don't want to exist anymore, everyone does that. I want to live.
and.... END SCENE
Well that felt a little dramatic. That was from the heart though. I felt something in my heart, but I didn't know what it was so I sat down like I used to and wrote myself a blog. Took the things I couldn't see in my own heart and wrote them down, or typed them out, or whatever.
Now I feel better. But now things are different. Now that I know how I'm feeling, I need to fix this. Maybe that is why I don't blog anymore. Some people don't see themselves unless they look into a mirror. I think that is what I blog does for me. Maybe I stopped my personal growth, and didn't want to look myself in the eye anymore.
It's time to stare that bastard down and tell him whats what.
Oh, and I'm growing a beard again, just thought you might be wondering ;-)