Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Personal Notes and Musings

Ive tried to make my life better, my children's lives better. In many ways I've succeeded. At times I've felt that I've pushed forward too hard though. Sometimes taking too much for myself, and sometimes not enough.

Women have been the source of my strength and my weakness in equal measure throughout my whole life. Sometimes I ask too much of them, and sometimes not enough.

I have been told to downplay it, I have been told to make it not that big of a deal. And I hope it isn't. You don't know what Im talking about I know, but I am coming upon a moment in my life that I have long feared. It comes too soon, yet not soon enough. Within the month of March I will be telling Jadon that while I love him very much, while I am raising him and he is my own son, I am his father in every way... but one... Biologically. Just thinking about how to say it to him is the most heart wrenching experience, I can't put into words that which is a reality. But it doesn't matter.

I have gotten a lot of great advice, I put out a request for advice in a few places and several people came to my rescue. Most of these people are kids who were adopted by their parents, sharing their experiences with me from when they were first told, how they reacted, how their parents handled it. Lots of really good advice and it has really bolstered my confidence. Nicole and I will be telling Jadon and Tristan at the same time, we're going to be prepared to answer their questions, but we aren't going to make too big of a deal out of it.

One of the insights I got from someone I work with indicated it was much much harder on her father than it was on her. I think I know exactly what she means, I imagine the worst but I know Jadon is strong and can handle the information, especially how we will present it. But inside me nothing changes, even though I know he wont, I'm afraid he will feel differently about me, see me differently. Even though it will probably just be rebellious teenage hormones talking, my heart will break a little if I ever heard him use it against me "you're not my real dad, I dont have to listen to you".

My first valentines day with Samantha was very nice, I wanted to make it special. It seems weird to me though, Valentines day came the week after we decided to step back a little from our relationship. I bought a bottle of wine, a rose in a neat little heart shaped vase, with a gem embedded in the center of the rose pedals, and a big box of chocolates. This is what she found when she woke up in the morning. Then I took her, her sister and my kids out to a big dinner at Red Lobster. We all dressed up nice, the boys and I were wearing nice clothes and Ties. During dinner I gave her a nice diamond/gold necklace that I knew she liked.

It was a nice day, Jadon went crazy for the crab, I thougth he might not like the work involved in cracking it open, but he freaking loved it, he was so proud of himself whenever he got a piece out, he got really excited and overall it was a really good experience for him.

Basketball is going really well so far this year. Jadon's team lost the first two games, and they have won the last two games. As soon as basketball is over, the boys want to start Soccer, and then Baseball when that is over. They are becoming more and more interested in the sports, even requesting practice time outside of their normal practices. Its cool, AND they pay video games more, the best of both worlds!

I bought an elliptical to help me get back into shape finally. I posted a link to the model I bought on facebook. I really like it so far, I was hoping to start daily exercising tomorrow morning, but as its almost 2am, I think I might wait one more day. There were just things I needed to finally get into my blog.

It cost more than I had originally planned on spending, but I looked into some user reviews and I gave it some thought. I think this one will be a good fit for me and hopefully last me at least 2 years of heavy use. Pun/Fat joke fully intended. Heavy Use, haha. F-Word!


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