Monday, June 22, 2009

Who's Going to Turn the Bathroom Light Off?

The title of this blog as a question I just heard fly down from my bedroom upstairs. I yelled back "You Are", and the reply was, "Im in bed already". I heard all of this while trying to think of a title to this blog, TA-DA Thats how blog titles are created! A little behind the scenes glimpse.

Its been a full week since my last blog post and things are still going great between Samantha and I. I couldn't be more excited, she is amazing. She's been hanging out with me a lot, which has been a lot of fun, and I wish I could steal her away more often.

We went out to Chinese Food for our Date on Thursday night. We've been watching some movies together and I am getting her hooked on my favorite TV show Supernatural, which I think is bad ass!

I made Fajitas for her and I to eat on Friday, it was my first time making those and I think they turned out great, I used Pita's to put them in, but they fell a part too easy, so unless I find a better quality Pita I will probably just use soft shell tortilla's next time.

The boys came back on Saturday, I invited Samantha out to meet my boys and my mom that day, and things went really well. My mom definitely liked Samantha and she wasn't too hard on her lol. The boys ignored her for the first day like I had warned her about, but they started warming up to her the next day.

The next day was Father's Day, I convinced Samantha to spend the day with us. We played some Wii Tennis and Wii Bowling with the boys, I got her to try out the board game Carcossonne and she said she liked it, she seemed to have fun. Im always nervous about introducing girls to my geeky side.

She got to see the boys and I in our competetive smack talking best while playing Wii, it came together quite nicely.

Then while the boys watched a movie and went to bed upstairs, Samantha and I watched some more supernatural and stand up comedy.

We talked and we've decided to be Boyfriend/Girlfriend, we're both really excited. I've enjoyed every moment Ive spent with her, I want to spend more time with her, I think about her all the time. We get along really well, we have a lot of mutual attraction and chemestry. I like to learn about her and tell her all about myself lol.

Im hoping to spend a lot more time with her this summer, I wont see her much this week since its the boy's last week here before Phoenix.

I am hoping to take her up to Silverwood, she has never been. Im planning on taking her to Seattle to do the tourist thing, and she has invited me to go down to her home town in Southern Idaho and meet her Parents in mid-july over my birthday. I am hoping to be able to go down with her, but my Supervisor won't give me the time off until he gets back on that Monday and reviews if he can spare me or not.

Anyway, things have been great, she is at work right now and I miss her, I almost packed my kids into the car to head over there to say Hi, but ultimately they were both really tired, they just went to bed actually.

Well, Im going to bring this blog to a close for now


Monday, June 15, 2009

An Interesting Turn of Events Part II

Its Monday Night. Didn't feel like a Monday today though, work flew by fast, which is always nice.

I finally got my Wii hooked up again, found the cable I had been looking for.

I've put right around 2500 miles on my new car already, and I already have at least three more trips across the state planned. One each month for the next three months.

I spoke in my previous blog about going out drinking on a Saturday night, 9 days ago now. I mentioned meeting this amazing girl named Samantha, we've been seeing each other ever since that weekend.

Things feel like they are going really well, there is definitely a lot in common and a lot of chemistry. We txt each other all the time and constantly stay in touch.

Im a fairly busy guy this time of year, lots of stuff going on with the boys, but we planned to have a date last thursday, but the feeling was pretty mutual that we didnt want to wait that long to see each other again, so last tuesday Samantha made me lunch and we met up on my lunch break. She made me a really good sandwhich and brought some other stuff to eat, we were really excited to see each other again, but my lunch break was far too short.

Our date on thursday was amazing, I was not suprised as she is a very amazing person. I made us some stir fry and made a Thai Peanut Sauce for dinner, I didnt get the noodles right, but it was still pretty good. After that we went out to see the movie The Hangover, which was Hilarious, damned Hilarious!

Afterwards we went back to my place and... attempted to watch Silence of the Lambs. Yes, thats right, I found a woman who is both beautiful AND interested in Horror movies, its like a dream come true lol. Somehow she found a loophole in the system and has watched all of the Sequels and Prequels to Silence of the Lambs without watching the brilliant original. There is already quite a list of movies for us to watch together lol.

Unfortunately we couldn't see each other over the weekend as I was up in Bellingham helping my friend Russ move up there. We watched The Hangover in theater, 2nd time for me obviously lol, Just As Funny as the first time, this movie is ridiculously awesome. We unloaded his Uhaul, I drove him around so he could buy a couple of things since he doesnt have a car, we BBQ'd some really awesome steaks and then a saw an SUV burning on the freeway on my way home.

As much fun as Russ and I had, it was torture going so long without seeing Samantha, so we planned to see each other not long after I got home Sunday night. Now we have plans to get together tomorrow and hang out, I'll probably be cooking tacos because I want to use some of the stuff I've got for them. Then we are going out on another official date on Thursday, dinner for sure, and maybe a movie in theater as well. We are planning on getting together on Friday too!

As I said above, things are going really well and the chemistry and everything are just off the charts. Im really excited about her. I've really been trying to calm that side of me that tends to come on too strong and focuses on where I want to be in 5-10 years as far as marriage and kids and such goes. Its working out fairly well, like Ive said a thousand times in this blog, I dont want to jump into anything and go too fast, but at the same time I dont want to hit the breaks too hard and go slow, and I know there are no set rules for how this works and each situation is unique. It feels like we are doing fairly good so far in this regard.

My kids are gone all week, camping with my mom. They come back saturday afternoon, just in time for Father's Day on Sunday. I dont really have any plans for Father's Day, mostly I just want to spend it with my boys. Im thinking I might buy something cool for us to cook together and eat. Then sit back, play some board games and video games and just do some of the cooler activities we do as a family. Maybe if its nice we will have a squirt gun fight, but I think Ill wait and decide spontaneously ;)

Next week is a busy one, we have the last week of baseball and then we are going to watch the new Transformers movie one of those nights as well. That saturday, June 27th, they fly down to Phoenix. I'm going to miss them a ton, but I have a really good feeling about this summer.

I am hoping to take Samantha to Seattle, it will be her first time! If we can only go for a day then my plan is to hit the Zoo, but if we can go for the whole weekend I want to pick up the City Pass and hit all that stuff. Space Needle, hour long cruise, Science Center, Zoo. I think the aquarium might be part of the City Pass too, hopefully, then you can either do the Museum of Flight or the Music Experience thing, neither of which I have ever done.

Im thinking a good weekend for that might be on my Birthday, July 18th is a Saturday this year. I wanted to try and hit silverwood around that time, but we'll figure it all out.

I have a really good feeling about my birthday this year overall, I've been getting a little worried I would just be depressed, my first birthday without my Grandma. I honestly say it still hasn't hit me yet, she's gone. I still feel like she is a phone call away, the next Holiday I would have seen her on is coming up fast, July 4th. We would have all sat outside playing cards. I miss her.

My grandpa is being moved back up here, he is going to live with my mom. She is going to use his retirement and Social Security and stuff to hire a nurse or something to help him when she isn't home. She is really hoping this works out so that he doesn't have to live in a nursing home.

We found out that there is a possibility that he doesn't have Alchzimers. He definitly is suffering the symptoms of that, but it looks like the cause of those may actually be several strokes that he had. We are going to be getting a more in depth examination done once we have him up here.

So as I said, my July trip across the state is hopefully going to be a cool seattle tourist date lol. Then in August I plan on coming over to take my boys to visit some cousins down in Vancouver. In September I am coming over no matter what! The musical based on the book Wicked! is going to be in Seattle most of that month, I've been wanting to see that for awhile!

All in all, its been a very unexpected and amazing 9 days since Samantha and I met. Its such an interesting turn of events that I decided to use that title for my blog again. :)

Goodnight all


Sunday, June 7, 2009

An interesting turn of events

Bloggin' time! Just sitting at home doing my laundry and thought I would post a quick blog.

Im going to be honest, I want to be in bed right now. Ive got a bit of a hangover after last night, but I think what is really getting to me at the moment is not sleeping much. Ill be up for at least another three hours doing some laundry though.

For my first bar outing of the year, last night was pretty awesome. I've literally never had that much to drink, maybe my night of tequila crazyness, but this rivals it!

We started the night off at Mingles, I had a shot of Tequila, a long island iced tea, some pineapple drink that was ok and then a Rum and Coke. They were stiffing us on the amount of alcohol in the drinks, so we changed bars. I went to CJ's for the first time, its a pretty decent place!

We played some pool, or attempted to, and I got to meet a very pretty girl by the name of Samantha that I hope to be seeing more of very soon!

At CJ's I had another shot of Tequila and then 4 more Long Islands. So I got messed up pretty bad! For the most part I think I can remember the night, its definitely hazy though and I know I've heard a couple things that I dont recall.

Apparently I was shamelessly flirting with Samantha, which I do remember. We joked around about it today, some of the 'flirting' I did is just plain hilarious in retrospect. I got some credit for an ingenious way of giving her my phone number and giving me hers. She had somehow got ahold of my phone and she pretty much had it most of the night, but I managed to get her phone for a bit and I used it to call my phone! Instant number exchange! Well, as smooth as that sounds, I cant take credit for the ingenious part.

At one point Russ took me aside and told me to 'take a break', then he went and apologized to Samantha for how strong I was coming on to her, he told her that he had put me in 'Time Out' lol.

The night just kept getting better, which is why I never really slowed down on my drinks, even though I feel at the moment that I should have. I feel like Samantha and I clicked really well together, we ended up spending a majority of today together as well.

I know Im keeping it all kind of vague, vague is mostly how i remember it at the moment lol. I'll keep my blog up to date a bit. And while I will be keeping most of the information to myself, I'll keep my blog up to date on how things progress with Samantha, I have a really good feeling about her. :)

On a more serious note, my uncle and his wife may be facing a felony charge of embezellment. The lawyers they have spoken to dont think it will go anywhere and they think someone is just after a plea bargain to get a settlement. But just in case this does end badly, my uncle spoke to me today about the possiblity of his three year old son Braydon coming to live with me, in the event they did do prison time.

They've narrowed it down to either me or Braydon's Uncle Tim. He and his family are really nice and Braydon would be well taken care of there. I think that Braydon would drop right into my life nicely, there would be no financial impact as my support would scale with the increased costs. I already have a lot of confidence in the teachers at the daycare that watch braydon's age group. Braydon would still be around all of our family, and most important of all, I think I would be best suited to give him the love and attention he needs. Ultimately, they are just trying to plan for the worst, they dont think it will actually become a criminal charge.

Well, im going to go lay down and try to not fall asleep. I only had a headache when I was first waking up this morning, but Ive had that woozy vertigo feeling all day, motion sickness has been a huge problem. Fortunately I haven't actually gotten sick, but its still not been pleasant.

Friday, June 5, 2009


Wow, Im very very tired right now. Just not ready to go to bed yet though. Crickets are going crazy outside my window.

I was doing a survey on myspace and there was some question about my birthday and it really hit me hard. Im never going to see my grandma again. Today marks one month since my grandma passed and I still feel like it hasnt really hit me yet. Monday was her 36th AA Birthday, or would have been.

I miss her, I was wanting to call my friend Sarah earlier today (who I also miss), but instead I just scrolled through my contact list, assessing who everyone was, when I came across it 'Grandma'. I so very much felt like just hitting the dial button to give her a call. If only she was just a phone call away still.

The world is a lesser place without her. She defined a new direction for a family very much following the wrong path.

Her kindness knew no bounds, her convictions were strong, she let her ideals guide her actions, and her mouth lol. She helped so many people to realize they had a problem with alcohol, she helped them to become sober and to stay sober. She helped those people with their houses, their gardens, their weddings, thier children and grandchildren.

She would take injured people into her home and nurse them back to health. Wether injured in body, mind or in spirit. She would visit prisons to run AA meetings withint he walls to help inmates. She volunteered for many things, she stayed very active within AA, Garden Clubs, Avon. She morally supported and guided so many.

She liked hunting and camping. She loved gardening and quilting. She made all sorts of crafts, cooked all sorts of different foods. She did things only on a large scale. She had a garden so massive that I doubt I will ever see another of its kind. She always had massive decorations out for christmas. Each holiday she completely redecorated the house to make it look festive for that holiday. She would always have parties with 50 people coming out to her house. She could never make food for just a couple of people, she always seemed to make enough to feed an army.

She never did anything half way, she always showed passion for the things she was interested in.

I have my grandma's passion, locked deep inside of me. I feel like the way I was raised prevented me from ever doing anything. I put walls up all around me and I bang on them and bang on them until I explode out of them at some point.

My opinion never mattered growing up, it was just my mom and I at home, and I can remember so clearly I would say so many things that she wouldnt even hear, she wouldnt even listen. Then when I was 12 I started Making an Argument. I started pounding on the barriers around me saying that I had had enough. It was time for my voice to be heard, it was time for my opinions to matter.

And one day my mom just looked at me, yelling that my opinions meant something, and she looked suprised. It was like she had an epiphany. She suddenly understood that my opinions did matter, and she explained that up until that point she just ran under the assumption that kids are not meant to be heard.

I broke out a little, but now I feel like I see a pattern in my life. I want to do something so badly, I end up putting up walls preventing me from getting there. I start to pound on them and pound on them from within myself until I finally explode. It could be the most simple of things.

Sometimes I dont understand how some people see me. Even some of my closest friends, on one hand they will say Im a pushover, but then in the same conversation they will say I am the most stubborn person they have ever met. I dont let things go, I dont like to be wrong, I do love to learn and grow, but its difficult when I think Im already right about something.

I do admit when Im wrong, or when Ive finally been convinced of that. I am obsessed with knowing why I am wrong about something, I feel like I need to discover the root of my misinterpretation.

There have been a ton of women in my life and only one of them was ever able to really control me, my Grandma. Control may be too strong a word, you just didnt defy my grandma. I never even really questioned that, I didnt want to try. She was the Matriarch of my family, she was a powerful woman. She could be so intimidating, her opinions, even amongst strangers, carried more weight than I could imagine possible.

If anyone ever tried to stand up to her, they were put in their place. A good example was my uncle bob, when he was a teenager, he played football, he got all big and tough and decided he didnt need to listen to his mom anymore and he was going to go up the stairs and show her who was boss. Well, thats about the time she knocked him back down the stairs, end of story.

She brought everyone together, she was the glue the bound us as a family. And damnit, I want to pick up that phone right now and call her, tell her how much I loved her, respected her, looked up to her. Now all I can say is that I will remember her, honor her, and hopefully we can all work together to keep this family together.

Im not a pushover, but I did anything for my grandma. Sometimes she got pissed at me, and sometimes she frustrated me, but ultimately she got her way because there was no way to challenge her, no one had the will to go up against her. Not because any of us are weak, but because she was sheer strength of will and personality.

My mom didnt have much control over me, she didnt instill that in me at all growing up. I did my chores, and I was a really good kid in general (mostly because of those walls I built up around myself), so she didnt have to really tell me much. But she got very frustrated with me, because I just didnt listen much to her, by the time I was about 16 I was pretty much tired of living at home. I love my mom very much, I think she did a great job with me, but Im sorry, I have my limits lol.

Nicole couldnt much control me either. I went into detail on her method of controlling me in my last blog, Ill try not to be so graphic here. Lets just say, I was a difficult person to live with at the time, it was my first relationship, we were both young. She relied on me to make all the decisions, and I did. I decided on where we would move, where we would work, where we would eat, where we would shop for groceries, I decided what we did for holidays, I cooked most of the time, I did most of the major cleaning while she did most of the upkeep cleaning. I did all of the disciplining. She didnt make me do all of these things, she was practically incapable of doing any of them on her own.

The fact is, most of the things she convinced me to do, or that she tried to exert her control over, were meaningless things, and she quickly put me into the habit of denying these things to her so that she would "convince" me to do them, even though they were things I probably would have done anyway. So while I was 'pussy-whipped' I still wore the pants in the family, I still wore all the responsiblity.

The last person I would say is my friend Sarah. Sometimes I dont know exactly what she thinks of me. I know she thinks I am a good dad, and I hope she thinks I am a good man. But I think she is under the impression that I am a pushover. She hasnt really said that to me, but she lumps men in her life into two different catagories, and I definitely fall into the "easy for her to control" catagory it seems like.

Well, Im not a pushover, as almost everyone of my teachers and supervisors would attest to. I challenge authority, I make my opinions known, I dont give respect when its not deserved.

I have very specific opinions about Religion and Politics, and a very specific mindset on morality. The way I raise my children is specific to me, and while it has grown and changed a lot, and I do accept feedback and criticism from people I trust, it is my own way.

Im trying to figure out what exactly Sarah, or anyone, thinks they could control about me, or thinks I am a pushover in regard to? Is it someting that even matters, is it something that is a part of who I am, because I have a feeling that I would feel very sorry for anyone who tried to butt heads with me on one of the subjects I just listed. I am a very critical person of myself and of others, and I am very opinionated.

Everything else about me is putty, meant to be shaped and molded so that I can adapt to the people I want in my life. Just look at how I live at the moment, a simplistic bachelor lifestyle. I dont want to invest myself into an apartment when ultimately I want to be making those decisions with someone down the road.

The fact is, Im not fucking crazy. Part of me has always been very adolescent and not grown up, but another part of me has always been an adult. Ive always fit in with adults, Ive always hung out with adults almost exclusively. I tend to be the voice of reason, caution and safety. I try to be pratical.

I would argue I haven't lived as much as a lot of my peers, but all I know is that when a moral situation presents itself, I dont as myself how much fun it would be, I ask myself what decision I would want my children to make in this same situation.

We'll take tomorrow night for instance, Im going out drinking with some friends. I dont drink very often, mostly because I am a single parent and I will only drink when I know I wont be around my kids at all, so Mostly it is a summer time thing for me. But tomorrow I am going out. Ive thougtht about how we are getting to the bars, Ive thought about how much I plan on drinking, Ive thought about how late Ill be staying up, Ive thought about how I will be getting home.

Im going to have fun tomorrow night, and im going to do so without having to worry about anything because I already took the time while I was sober to arrange for all of that and figure it out.

Im more afraid of next weekend, Ill be going out drinking in unfamiliar territory, Bellingham. And i know that the people we will be drinknig with are a little crazier and I will probably need a cab home.

Ive come to the realization that a lot of people drink and drive. It genuinely scares me. These fucking idiots really dont know what they are doing. Its something you have to learn the hardway I guess. But if a situation presents itself next weekend that I am in disagreement with, the fun will stop.

I already have a lot of things I would say to someone, Im not trying to make any friends when it comes to dressing people down about the bullshit things they dont think about or the danger they place others in. You think you know how alcohol could affect your life, or the lives of others, why dont you try being a seven year old kid sitting in on closed AA meetings.

Why dont you try hearing horror stories about drinking rubbing alcohol, beating your children and spouse, running your car into a house, why dont I tell you how it affects a little kid to hear a story about what it does to your life when you make one drunken mistake too many and end up killing someone. Sure, those are things I probably shouldnt have heard, but its given me an appreciation for life and responsiblity that few seem to recognize in me.

Or how about the 'accidents' thick with Irony, like a car full of Students, all members of AA having realized they had a problem and getting help before they ruined their lives, then getting into a head on collision with a drunk driver. Or a man and a woman, sober for years, meeting each other in AA, falling in love, getting married, and then on the day of their wedding as they ride off into a sunset, they get struck by a drunk driver while riding their motorcycle, killing the new bride.

So go figure why I might tell someone to go fuck themselves if they even think of doing something so stupid while they are around me. You want to know why i am so careful in my life, too careful, it is because I know and understand how my actions can effect the lives of others in both positive and negative ways. So sure, my plan is to have fun next weekend in Bellingham, and Im not going to run my mouth off about any of this, but you know what, Im thinking all of this just in case I have to bust it out and put some dumb drunk mother fucker in his place.

You wonder why things between Sarah and I have never worked out, its this exact mentality. She knows full well that almost every time Ive seen her she has essentially been forbidden fruit. The barriers I put up around my feelings for her were so thick it was ridiculous. And then she wonders why I dont make a move on the rare occasion that she is around me while she is single.

But this blog isnt about Sarah, its about the important women that I have had in my life, and she is definitely one of them.

Im hoping for at least one more to add to that list at some point. Someone special that I can wake up to every morning. But until then, this is my list.

One of the reasons I decided to blog tonight is, tonight is the 2nd to last Movie night I get with my boys before they leave for the summer. They are gone the next two fridays camping with my mom, so I only get the friday right before their flight.

Technically its 12:30 in the morning, so Ill say its June 6th. That means my kids have only 21 days left before they leave, and they are camping for 8 days with my mom, which leaves me with only 13 days left with them, thats less than two weeks!!

Tristan just had his Kindergarten Graduation Ceremony, it was a lot of fun. He is pretty excited to get to be a first grader next year. Both the boys have come a long way with their reading this year, it just amazes me. I would not be suprised if they were both on small chapter books by the end of next year at the pace they are going.

Well, I think that is long enough for now. My last three blogs have all been private, my friends will be able to see this one though.

Have a good weekend everyone, I know Ill be having a fun and safe weekend.

And just remember, I hold the passion for life and love in my heart that my grandma held in hers, I just have more layers to get through before I can let it out.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009


Every night right now I just feel so lonely. I long for some regular companionship. Im feeling really depressed, I feel like I dont have any friends I can talk to regularly anymore.

I feel like all I do is push people away from me. I think its only going to be worse once the boys go down to Phoenix too. I've never really had a core group of friends, and in less than two weeks the last friend I have in the area that I hang out with will be gone.

Im upset. Every night Im upset and lonely. I dont cry or anything, but I do feel on the verge half the time now. This feeling was enhanced after my friend Sarah's visit was over, but its always been there.

I love to be alone, but I need to be with people. I feel like I dont know how to make friends, and other than long distance, pretty soon I wont have any here. Its driving me crazy. I just want people I can hang out with a chat with, people to come over to the apartment and play games with and have dinner with occasionally.

And on top of that I want a girlfriend, someone that I can hang out with all the time, someone I can care about and who can return those feelings. And while I want to jump ahead of myself and talk about wanting to be married again, and wanting to have more kids or something, at the same moment I am deathly afraid of ending up in another doomed relationship.

I just need someone who I can do activities with, clean my house with, or at the very least talk to while I clean my house. Im so tired of just being alone on the time.

I feel like I am trying to be the best father I can be, but I dont feel like I know how to be anything else anymore, I dont feel like I have anyone in my life regularly that is just for me.

Ive wanted to call my grandma a lot this weekend. I miss her so much and I just want her to be proud of me, but right now I dont see how she could be, I cant even find how to be happy. I mean, I have my ideas, like the one in my last blog, but that seems more like a distant dream at this point.

Im miserable and unhappy and depressed and Im so tired of sitting down after my kids go to bed and feeling like there is just nothing more to my life. Why is it so hard for me to make/keep friends? Other than Russ, who will be gone in two weeks, I dont know anyone that lives anywhere near me that I could just call up and ask to come over and hang out. And I dont know how to change that.

I can barely get anything done because this feeling of loneliness is so oppressive. Its taken me three days just to re-organize my kitchen, when that should have taken a single night.

I feel unwanted.

I dont want to be alone anymore.