Sunday, May 3, 2009

My Grandma

Thank you to everyone for all the really nice comments on both MySpace and Facebook. I really appreciate the support.

There are a lot of people who grow up and really dont know their grandparents very well, there are lots of reasons to this, sometimes its just the travel distance involved. Fortunately I am not one of those people, I have been exceptionally lucky  to have had my Grandparents be such a huge part of my life.

Im not going to really go into an aweful lot about her right now, I will do that another time, after she has passed and more than likely after we have greived for a little while. In this blog I am going to give a brief update on what has been going on in the last few days.

My grandma has been in and out of the hospital all my life. This last time she has just not gotten any better. She has been in the hospital since January and she has had absoultely no true improvement.

On Thursday we had a sign of hope, we were all so excited and we were happy and we celebrated. But the next morning her kidney's failed her and it was discovered that a terrible infection had spread throughout her entire body. It quickly became clear that while we could hold it at bay for a time, there was no way to fight it and her body had already started to shut itself down.

That is when my mom called me and told me the bad news, Grandma is Dying. She had me pull over to the side of the road to tell me. I got out and spoke with her and then I cried for a little while outside of the car. After I calmed down a bit I drove home, telling the boys the bad news once we got in our apartment.

That was the hardest thing Ive ever had to say to them, Tristan began crying right away, I dont know how much he understands death yet, but he took the news very hard and he cried for around 40 minutes or so. Jadon knew it was big news, with Tristan and I so upset, but he didnt quite know what to think, he asked me "What is Dying?" and I told him a few things, but also that he would understand later. He was very cute and gave me and Tristan lots of hugs to comfort us.

I went up to Spokane to be with Grandma, lots and lots of family were there. Even though she isn't coherent or really capable of interacting with us, she had several brief moments where she clearly recognized people, she told Brayden (my 3 year old cousin) that she loved him, she asked my Great Grandma (her mom) why she was crying, and at one point she looked at me and squeezed my hand and told me herself that she is dying...

Its been a very hard weekend. I got back home late last night to be with the boys some more. Later this afternoon my grandma is going to be transported back to her home in Clarkston where, with the help of Hospice, she will live out her final few days.

I cant believe this is the end of my grandma, I cant believe I never get to feel her hold me again, I never get to hear her words again. I'll never play another game with her, or spend another holiday with her. If I have any more kids, and I hope I do, she won't even get to see them, she wont get to be a part of their lives.

This is the end of my Grandma, she has fought her last fight. She is ready to move on. She is the strongest most capable woman I have ever known in my life, the effect that she has had on my life and so many others is so good and positive beyond comprehension. The world for myself and all my family would be darker if it were not for her choices, and those choices will live on, we will live on and carry on the good that she brought to us, we will pass it on to our children and grandchildren.

Her impact on me personally has been profound, anyone at all close to me knows how much of an impact on my life my grandma has been.

I love you grandma, I miss you so much and I thank you for all of the wonderful memories you have given me and my children.

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