Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Im Full

Im Full

I thought long and hard (not a gay joke) about how to title this blog. The original title was "The Boys Are Back In Town" and yes, they are indeed back in town, my life has meaning again! lol. But its time for me to write yet another blog where I look inward. I'll talk about the boys ofcourse, their trip to disneyland, our fun with Sarah in Seattle.

But its time for me to take a good hard look at myself, judge myself as I am so good at doing, but then take it one step further and try to actually fix some of the problems I see.

Im so very tired, I look inside myself and see so much potential, so many things just wanting to explode out of me. So many stories not yet written, so many websites not built, so many ideas not fulfilled. So many memories that I've never had because I stop myself from experiencing anything.

The title "Im Full" is indeed a reference to food, but it is also a deeper reference to the paragraph above this. I feel as though I am filled to the brim with the things I have stopped myself from doing with my life. "The One That Got Away" was another title for this blog that I had thought might work.

The One That Got Away is a reference to a lot of things, to all of the things I have let slip through my fingers. The obvious reference is romantic generally, and in this case that is true, I have a girl that is 'The One That Got Away", but it is a reference to so many more things than just that.

As you read this, esspecially if you've read some of my previous blogs, you probably find that it is easy for me to talk about myself, to analyze myself. I do it so much. But it is hard, I am very literally cringing as I write these truths about myself.

While some of these things have been on my mind, writing is a strange paradox for me. I discover more about myself through it, reveal more of my thoughts as they hit the screen.

I am crippled, my mind is crippled. I don't mean for this to offend anyone that has an actual physical or mental disability, I just mean that even the simple things in life are difficult for me to muster the resolve to accomplish. I make everything I do so hard.

My computer is a conduit for this, and also a reflection of just how far I have fallen. I can sit here each night after my kids go to bed and look the same identical things up over and over again each day of the week. Looking for something anything to keep my mind off the fact that I have a million things I should do, a million things I could do easily, but a million things I wont do, cant do because I don't even think about them when I need to.

I don't know why I am like this. In the past all the way back to my childhood I can rarely recall failing at anything I did. Not that Im bragging, I've failed at I would say most of the things in my life, but literally for lack of trying.

When I do something I succeed at it, even when faced with opposition so great that there is no light at the end of my tunnell, no chance of success at the beginning of my journey. I make my own success, my own luck. I create my own path in life and I really do feel that I can be whomever I wish to be.

But I set that all aside, and I don't know why. School is a very good example. I got decent grades up through sometime in middle school when my grades suddenly dropped off really bad. It was entirely due to me not doing homework. I knew the material well enough, but I just didnt do my work, I lied about doing it and never did it and my grades went to shit.

The answer to this was that my mom and grandma took turns picking me up from school for a semester or so and they would talk to my teachers, find out all about all of my homework and then they made me do it. lol. Maybe thats it, maybe I got so used to the women in my life making me do things that I stopped worrying about doing them on my own. lol, that is a joke for sure.

To move on with the school example, High School was a big joke for me. The guidance my mom and grandma gave me in middle school paid off for most of my freshman year, but I felt very disillusioned with a system that had held me back and overlooked me at times despite being able to get good grades on tests and proving that I know the material.

Am I just a worker bee? is that all you are trying to teach me? Did you ever prove to me that WHAT I am learning is important? I went from a B+/A- average my freshman year of highschool to flunking all but one of my classes in my first semester of my sophmore year. The class I didnt flunk I got a D in and I only attribute not failing to a slight difference in how much tests were worth compared to my other classes. Through that semester I never did homework, I never cared and I did pass my tests, all of them.

I find this to be utterly ridiculous, an insult to myself and to the knowledge that was supposedly so important. This system, along with both your parents having to work every minute of their life just to provide your basic needs has utterly destroyed this nation. How can we go from a majority of our populace not recieving a formal education, to a public education system and make ourselves dumber in the process?

Alright, I went off on a tangent. Obvously Im not too happy with the school system, but it is not entirely to blame, as I have seen this behavior of mine in other facets of my life as well. For example, I dont do the things that I actually Want to be doing. I don't even work on my own hobbies anymore. I've written one short story in the last six years. This list can grow and grow but I am certain I've passed my point on well enough.

One step at a time Jason, one step at a time. But its not that simple with me, I break my life up into steps and each step becomes a mountain to climb in my mind.

Getting back into college is a great example. Do you realize just how much thought and work I've put in to just trying to find a fucking proctor??? What the Fuck is my problem. Sorry about all the swearing, but god damnit, what the fuck.

Some might say that I am afraid of change. Ive thought that myself. But when I look more broadly at my life, Im definitly not afraid of all of the things Im not doing for myself. But Im still not doing them.

When I truly need to make a decision, DONE decision made, when I truly need to take an action DONE action taken. But if there is not something compelling me to make this decision or take this action, then it just won't happen. And that can't go on. I can;t allow this to go on. I have to be the person I see inside of myself. I have to be the person I am meant to be.

I've set some small goals for myself and by god I will acheive them. Minor goals meant to blow up into bigger goals as I accomplish them. Take steps to unlock my potential. For starters Im intending on finally taking my placement test to see what classes I start in for Math and English. That should happen this weekend.

There is nothing making me do this though. Come monday morning I could not have this done still and that would be business as usuall for me. I could wake up monday morning, realize I forgot to do something that should have been extremely important for me to do, shrug my shoulders and forget about it until my next blog. I can't let that happen, I cant tell you just how important it is that I break this cycle that has haunted me for two decades.

Another small goal I've set has to do with Food. I feel like I dont really have the opprotunity I need to go out and walk/jog the way I would need to in order to lose weight. But I can change my bad habits when it comes to my diet.

Eating healthy is a very lofty goal, far too lofty considering my condition. So my initial goal is to eat less unhealthy. To that end I am going to stop eating fast food for a period of 60 days, starting yesterday, and so far Im doing pretty good.

My mom and I developed some really bad habits, around the time I was 12 my mom had started working 2-3 jobs at a time and we often found that fast food was the easiest way to get dinner. In hindsight the best solution would have been for my mom to teach me how to cook and to make me responsible for making dinner and having it ready for her when she gets home. Now, I know that sounds like a lot of responsibility, but so far in my experience it is that which we are responsible for that makes us stronger and better people. The more responsibliltiy you've had in your life the stronger and more functional of a person you are.

Anyway, we started eating fast food ALOT and thats a habit I've always always fallen into since becoming an adult. Not anymore, I just cant do that anymore. I need to be able to show some control over my basic needs and urges. And I will not fail in this, I can not fail in this. Once again, something so easy for me to trick myself into doing.

The trap I drop myself into is that, I dont each breakfast or lunch during the week. I need to rectify that, find an easy way for me to make time and effort for those meals at home so that I can avoid temptation, and also, when temptation occurs, have the strength to fight it.

Another trap I set for myself is the 'oh we're out to late for me to have time to fix dinner' excuse. I need to learn how to prepare food before hand so that its just ready to go when we get home. I need to learn to use a slow cooker and make some stew or anything.

The other goal is to take cleaning my house up a notch. I try and clean my house once per week. But in between cleanings garbage and dishes just pile up, messes just pile up. I need to force myself to develop a more fluid routine for myself and the boys. I started that a bit ago with some success, but there is a lot of room for improvement. Something I also can not afford to avoid.

Alright Alright, that enough of that for now. Writing this has worn me out, Im going to talk about this last weekend and then Im off to bed.

The week my boys were gone sucked, not as bad as it could have, but it did suck, and I could have done so much more. I did less than usual, and generally went to bed earlier but still woke up tired.

On Saturday I drove across the state, took me almost 10 hours to get to bellingham because I was stopped for around 2 1/2 hours on Snoqualmie pass because of soem debris or something that had to be removed from the road.

I woke up early on Sunday morning and drove down to meet my friend Sarah in Everett again, just like the previous weekend but not quite as early fortunatly lol. We drove down and picked up my kids from the airport and then we went and visited my grandma in the hospital.

As a side, last week it was decided that it was best for my grandma to be moved from the Lewiston hospital to a hospital in Seattle. My mom is over there staying with her in her hospital room and there has been no improvement.

After we visited my grandma we went and got lunch and assessed the time. We had planned on going to the Zoo but it was getting late and I still had a long long drive ahead of me in order to get home. In the end we decided to play it by ear and we headed towards the zoo, we ended up heading in the wrong direction on the freeway, but almost as soon as that happened we spontaneously had the idea to spend the rest of our time with Sarah in Seattle Center.

Even though it didnt turn out as expected, our whole experience at Seattle Center was a ton of fun and it was very memerable. I took the boys up the space needle for the first time, which they thought was pretty cool. Then we had a snack in the food court, at the end I started an ice war with Sarah and I would have to say I won  lol

Then we went to the fountain to sit since the day was still so nice. I let the boys get totally soaked in the fountain which they thought was pretty cool, then I would encourage them to hug sarah and get her wet! Which they also thought was hilarious.

Then we decided to call it a day so we headed back to the car. Now, before I tell you the rest of this story I want to note that all four of us went to the bathroom at Seattle Center right before we went to get the car. When we got there Sarah held up a blanket while I had the boys change out of their wet clothes in an underground parking lot, which was very entertaining.

After the boys were dressed Tristan made it pretty clear that if he didnt go potty within the next few minutes that he was going to pee in his pants, so we had Tristan pee on the wall of the parking garage and then we got the hell out of there. Not 10 minutes later both the boys have to pee again so we had to stop at the mall.

Once that was over we dropped Sarah off at her car in Everett and said our goodbyes, which I think the boys are still blushing about. I never like to say goodbye to Sarah :-(

But we had a fun two weekends together and hopefully we'll see her at least one more time this spring.

Anyway, time for me to sign off, think about the things Ive said and discovered this evening, and accomplish the goals Ive set for myself, however small an insignificant they may seem at first. Everything had a beginning.

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