Sunday, January 25, 2009

Afraid to Learn, Afraid to Grow

Hello everyone!

I had my third date with Heather today. We went out and got some coffee earlier. I felt a lot less nervous then I had in the past, which is great.

I had a lot of fun talking with her today, but a few pieces of information came out that got me thinking quite a bit. First of all, it sounds like she is probably going on dates with other people as well, totally normal I suppose, but not exactly what I wanted to hear.

What got me thinking was when she was talking about taking dating slowly and casually and not really thinking about commitment at all at this point. That all sounds great, and very reasonable considering how recent her divorce is.

In many ways that attitude is exactly what I am looking for right now, but when I said above "That all sounds great", well, what I really mean is that it all sounds great as a Starting Point.

As I've mentioned many times in my blog, I didn't date before my marriage, so its very new to me. So far in my experience there are three types of women.

1) Women who are as baby crazy as me and even when they say they want to be careful and take things slow, they are just as reckless as I know that I am capable of.

2) Women who really truly wish to be careful, take things slow.

3) Women who either don't know what they want, or can't decide between the freedom of dating and having fun, and the responsibility of marriage and being a parent.

The first option is the most dangerous to myself as I am fairly baby crazy. There is no doubt in my mind that in the next few years I want to be married again and have more children.

But with my divorce, I know I need to take things slow, one step at a time and make sure I get things right this time. So in essence I really want to just date someone casually, take things slow. But a part of me needs to know that it has the potential to go somewhere after that phase, and I think that is what is bothering me most, I don't know if there will be anything beyond casual dating with Heather.

Like I've said, I really do like her and I would like to find out where this can go. The problem is, to a certain degree I need some level of commitment to feel comfortable, and casually dating more than one person at a time, while there is nothing wrong with that, isn't compatible with my interests I suppose. Not exactly sure how to say that really.

I would say that way of thinking is as much a blessing as a curse to me. Im not saying that I have to marry my next girlfriend and have babies with her, if things dont go all the way it won't be wasted time, if something doesn't work out, thats fine, at least we took it slow and found out before we jumped into something more intense, or brought kids into the equation.

What I am trying to say is, I want to find the person that I want to be with, and want to find a person to share my life with and have more children with, and while I know that my next girlfriend may not be that person, the only reason I can date her is literally to find out if she is or is not that person. So Im not mincing words here, there needs to be the possability for marriage and children, or there is nothing at all to work with.

Maybe I am just plain crazy, and if I am, comment and tell me so lol.

Either way, things with Heather are right where they should be, Im just wishing I knew where they potentially could be in the future.

Alright, I know you've been reading a bit already if you've gotten to this point, but so far everything I typed is just EXTRA, time for me to get to the source of my title.

I've mentioned going back to school in my blog before. And some of the times I've mentioned it, Ive done so with a lot of confidence and goals and personal expectactions and so forth. Well, nothing has happened yet. I gather information, then I put it aside and do nothing with it.

I put school off for a long time but once I decided to go orignally I just did it. I put a call into the school I picked, went in a week or so later, applied and the following quarter I was going to school full time. But as things in my life started spinning a little bit more out of control I started taking breaks from school as life was impacting my grades a bit, or I was letting it impact my grades at least.

Divorce happened and school was put on hold. Which is for the best for certain.

A lot has changed, now I am a single parent and it has been much more challenging than I realized. Much more rewarding at times too. I feel like I made be afraid to take on too much, knowing that I already feel like I am not doing things as well as I would like to be.

I can't tell you how important education is to me and I feel like I have failed myself in regards to it.

Sometimes I very much wish I had someone to hold my hand and walk me through all of this. That just isn't the case though, and its time for me to get this done. I've taken a few more steps in what is hopefully the right direction though.

I could lay out a 5 year plan for you right here right now:
-Get Married
-start planning the expansion of my family (BABIES)
-Complete, or have near completion, a bachelors degree

but lets just keep this simple and make a smaller goal:
-to enroll and start school for the summer or fall of 2009

If I can reach that goal, I can start thinking about the rest. The same with the getting married goal. I can't make getting married and having babies my goal, I just need to keep that earmarked for the future and not try to force it.

My goal right now needs to be just to date someone, get to know them.

One thing that I am still trying to learn is that, you can't decide your own future, you can only plan for it and make the best of it when it gets here. Sometimes things turn out as you planned and sometimes they don't.

Anyway, it is 4:30 in the morning and I feel like I am getting a cold or something, so with that, Im signing off.


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