Thursday, December 4, 2008

Im Dreading This

I have a lot I want to blog about, but I am short on time. Let me first say that I just finished the latest episode of Fringe and I am glad I stuck with the show because it just got hella good.

In just about 5 hours I will be picking up my Ex-Wife from the airport in Spokane. I'm dreading it. I think the weekend will go ok, and I think the boys will have a lot of fun, but as the time draws nearer, I am feeling more and more like a dark cloud is moving overhead.

I've been doing alright sleeping in my bed again, about every other night or so. One of my friends thinks it is mostly because of Nicole's impending visit, which could be possible.

This will be the first time we've seen each other since everything was finalized. That will be kind of weird.

Most people I talk with seem to be of the mind that I am going well above and beyond with Nicole. Maybe, but then I think that, if I haven't been who I have been in this situation, would I be where I am? That sounded kind of vague, but I am sure you get my meaning.

I think I've been amazing accepting and accommodating considering the circumstances. Putting aside urges to hate her and wish bad things upon her. But you can't say I've been walked all over either, I haven't given an inch. I have never and will never, because I don't need to.

It is because I am right. Not all the time, but in the situation with Nicole, I am right beyond any shadow of a doubt. Things have ended up as they should. There is no reason for me to be angry, there is no reason for me to be spiteful. Things are better off now that we are separate, so why would I not be nice, why would I not encourage a friendship and working together as parents and doing everything I can to ensure we remain a good parenting team.

I think my anxiety comes from the fact that I am of this mind on my own, everything in the way I think seems to be an uphill battle because others don't think the same. Not with my experience anyway.

As brought up in my divorce, I am a control freak. Sometimes are worse than others. I try to over manage everything in my life. But is it a flaw? Or is it part of what makes me the parent that I am, part of what drives me to think and act the way I do.

I'll blog more soon. Happy Holidays Everyone!

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