Tuesday, December 9, 2008

For Better or Worse

For Better or Worse. I guess I never really thought about those words much, but if you don't then you have no business getting married. You can't just like the better parts of someone, you have to be able to be there in their darkest hours and weather the storm with them. That's love, part of it anyway.

I can't really say I've ever been 'in love' in that way. I did love Nicole, and I consider her family, but I was never 'In Love' with her. I would have stuck it out with her until the bitter end more from my own stubbornness than anything. But I never understood her, I never felt like I could be there for her in the way that she needed.

Not that I didn't try, ofcourse I tried, and vice-versa. But it just wasn't there. Look at how it turned out, at my lowest instead of sticking by me she bailed, taking our kids with her. Found a boyfriend that made more than her and I combined and then sent the kids back up to me.

It sounds bad when I say it like that, everything is a matter of perspective. My divorce is an excellent example. The man Nicole left and the man writing this blog are two entirely different people. Sure, he and I share a lot of the same annoying quirks and habits, but our perspectives are so entirely different. The first man was left at the bottom of the deepest ocean, as described in my most recent blogs, while the latest and greatest stands on the peak of a mountain top.

I loved being married, and I've said many times how much I want to be married again. But this time I want to do it right, I want to be 'In Love'. I know that sounds sappy coming from a guy, but lets face it, I was raised by 3 generations of first born women, I go back and forth between a 'dominant male type' or a 'slave of the queen' all at the whim and fancy of whichever woman I happen to be speaking with at the time.

I hope that I deserve that much at least. I feel like I am too selfish for love. I expect so very much from everyone around me, but do I give enough in return? I don't think I do, and if that's true, then I don't think I know how.

My kids had a really hard time when their mom left on Sunday. I guess I should go into the visit a bit.

It went pretty well, not as well as I had expected honestly. She and I have been getting along so well on the phone I just assumed it would translate into 'real life' the same way. I think half of the awkwardness stemmed from the fact that her 'non-jealous' boyfriend turned out to be massively jealous as hell. She isn't allowed to 'be my friend' apparently and we are not supposed to talk about anything we have in Common.

You know how f'ing hard it is to find someone who likes horror movies as much as she and I do? That's like one of my first questions when I meet someone new is if they like horror movies. Im not a freak about them, I enjoy movies of all shapes and sizes, but I always feel horror movie deprived because nobody watches them with me.

As a note, I did meet a beautiful girl who is into vampires ;) and thats a definite start. But we'll talk about that after I get through the topic at hand.

So she flew in late late wednesday night, we picked the boys up at my mom's house and got back to my apartment at about 1am thursday morning. She slept in the boy's bedroom and they all slept on the floor together with like 30 blankets both beneath them and on top of them.

I set it up beforehand for Nicole to spend a bit of time helping the teachers in each of the boys classes on thursday, both because I wanted Nicole to meet their teachers and because I didnt' want to give them both thursday and friday off from school.

I did let them take friday off, thursday went pretty well, Tristan pratcally ignored her Thursday morning and during class I guess but I think he was just out of his normal comfort zone with his mom there.

They all went to see a couple movies together and I took them out to see the christmas lights in colton. It went pretty well over all.

Based on a few comments Nicole made (like "you know, Eric goes to bed with me EVERY night" taking a shot at the fact that I stayed up on the computer after she went to bed a lot at the end of our marriage, well maybe if you gave me space to breath for myself while we were BOTH awake I wouldnt have had to INVENT free time after you finally got off my back, which wasnt the case with you getting up every 15 min. to cry about the fact that I didnt love you anymore if I didn't got to bed at the exact bullshit moment you wanted. Question, did you ever stay up with me so that we could go to bed together? didnt think so).

Ok so I just lost my train of thought. I'm over it, the only reason I bring it all up is because I've paid my lawyer several thousand dollars and still owe her 14k more for my divorce, but Nicole still NAGS ME ALL THE TIME, this whole weekend was rampant with her NAGGING AND NAGGING, when does it end, when does this soul get some freakin peace.

Anyway, like I said, the boys had a hard night sunday. Nicole left early that day and the boys did fine. We went to a starbuck in spokane and I bought them some wierd berry drink that they both really liked and I just sat there. They talked to me the entire time, neither one of them ever stopped talking, we were there like an hour and they both yapped the entire time.

Thats happened in the past, and I was prepared for it, they get very lovey dovey and chat like their life depends on it so we found a nice spot to sit down and I just let them yap it up. It was a nice afternoon.

When it came time for bed though, things got loud. First, Jadon was upset and very sad and wanted lots of hugs, which her got. Tristan was fine. I seperated them so that they could get some rest but once Jadon hit the bed he was crying pretty loud. Soon after Tristan followed even louder, crying that he wanted his mommy there. I felt really bad for them, they kept getting up and getting hugs and kisses from me and telling me how sad they were.

Well, finally after about an hour Jadon came down and very sadly told me that Tristan wouldnt stop crying for thier mom and because he kept hearing it he was getting more upset. lol, it sounded like it was going back and forth like that, making each other upset inadvertantly. So had them both come downstairs and I asked them if they could keep it down a bit because they were upsetting each other, and they seemed to understand. I gave them each one last big hug and kiss and I had them give each other a big hug and they went off to bed and fell right to sleep.

Well, I think I better call it quits on this blog for the night. Thanks for Reading!

As a last note, there's a special lady in the audience that I've been thinking about and I hope to talk with very soon. ;)

g'nite all

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