I love that I can share my life through blogging. Those of you who know me, know that I am far too honest and open about many things. I don't keep secrets, or I try not to. Though I probably should. Sometimes there are even things that 'I' keep hidden away though. Things that I've said out loud or in this blog even that I've learned to just keep inside. I don't know, I guess Im just blabbing. Truth be told, I'm not feeling that good. Ive been keeping this pretty much on the down low but when people visit and I haven't cleaned up they wonder "who's been sleeping on the couch". Sometimes I just avoid it, other times I just say someone was resting. I've only really told two people, but in fact I am prepared to tell everyone who reads this. As a note, thank you for reading. I write this as if everyone in my life reads it and then I walk around assuming as such lol. Anyway. What I was getting to, as I am sure you have already guessed. I've been sleeping on my couch. All but 1 1/2 nights in the last 4 1/2 weeks. If you've been reading my blogs for awhile, or if you dared to delve deeply into my blog archive, then you know just how much of a hell my divorce was. But you might also know that I've dealt with it fairly well and I am reasonably ok with it at this point. I strongly think it is for the best. But one thing I haven't gotten over, one thing I have tried to not think about very much, is the one thing that I am least prepared to deal with. I think I was so busy preparing the apartment that I didn't even realize it creeping up on me. I have spoken about it before, but there was this month way back when all of this started, that I was alone. Probably the worst time in a man's life to be alone. Nicole had just taken the boys and flown off to Phoenix, I was jobless, lonely and scared I would never see any of them again. I am certain that fear was unfounded, but still a fear none the less. I couldn't sleep in my own bed, going to sleep wasn't the hard part, it was waking up the next day. Waking up without the warmth of my wife, without the sound of my kids. I was alone for a whole month, I barely left the house. I felt so ashamed, I felt like less than dirt. It was like everything good in my life had just been unceremoniously ripped away. I can't tell you how emotional I was every day. How often I would stand at my children's bed room door in the mornings hoping I would see them in their beds sleeping. I could get no comfort or enjoyment out of anything. I couldn't watch television, I couldn't watch movies, I couldn't read and I couldn't play any games. Every morning I woke up into a nightmare, only to be followed by restless nights of little sleep. I am over all the fights and all the bad things we've said. I am over the whole divorce, but I don't see how I can ever get over that one month in hell. I know, I've come a long long ways. I have good friends and family that have supported me along the way. Having an awesome lawyer certainly helped. I am a proud father of two amazing boys. But I feel like I am not living up to that, I feel like I can't keep my eyes on the prize. Going back to school always feels just out of reach, like Im afraid of it. Even this new wonderful life I've started to create has not gone as planned. I feel like I am afraid to do anything, to change anything, I don't want to wake up just to find out this is all a dream, I don't want to walk into my children's rooms and see empty beds. Alright, I need to stop talking about that. Time to talk about the here and now. I took my boys to a cougar game on Friday. It was a ton of fun, though Jadon was kind of a poop. We brought his friend Andy, and Andy's mom Maggie was able to come too. Andy and Jadon get pretty wild together, but you can tell they are getting a little bit older and calming down a bit. They actually did pretty decent at the game too, but Jadon didn't want to listen at all so my tolerance for it quickly went out the window. He moped around for most of the second half. Tristan got really into it though and quoted the score quite often. My friend Sarah lost a bet to me awhile back (as detailed in earlier blogs) and she was supposed to come over and take us both to the Apple Cup. Unfortunately she couldn't make it, a family emergency, I hope everything is going alright. I am a little disappointed though, I really wanted to show Sarah my new apartment and the last time we saw each other she had really wanted to see my kids again but I didn't have them with me. But I do understand, so hopefully another time. The weekend wasn't a total bust on this side of the state though, someone my mom knows couldn't make it to the game and he gave her 4 Apple Cup tickets. Great seats about 20 rows or so up from the 40 yard line. I convinced my friends Amanda, Russ and Brian to go to the game with me (though going to the Apple Cup for free, not much convincing lol). Amanda and I went to the Cal game together too, she and I worked together at SEL for awhile and now we try to hang out when we can. She and her girlfriend Lisa are coming over this weekend for dinner and game night. Russ I've mentioned in this blog quite a bit, he and I have been friends a long time. I've probably complained about him on several occasions as well lol. Brian is somebody I work with at SEL too, but we've known each other for quite awhile, he was a year behind russ and I, but we went to school together for a lot of years. The three of us were also boyscouts together for awhile. I would love to say the game was awesome. I mean, you show a highlight of the cougars 1 minute long drive to get that field goal in the 4 quarter, to be followed up by a victory in double overtime, it looks amazing, IF thats all you show. I had a ton of fun, but the game had a slow pace, not a lot happened in it. Tomorrow night I am taking the boys to another Cougar Basketball game, taking my Mom this time. These family passes are great and I think next year I will spend the money to get the whole season's worth. You get 2 adult tickets and 2 Youth tickets to all 16 home games and the cost works out to be right around $5 per ticket. Sounds like a damn good deal to me. ok, back to the serious stuff. I dont try to be something I am not. I don't try to be other people. I just try to be myself, or who I think I am. Sometimes I just don't know if I have the strength to be the person that I think that I am.