Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Apple Cup

I love that I can share my life through blogging. Those of you who know me, know that I am far too honest and open about many things. I don't keep secrets, or I try not to. Though I probably should.

Sometimes there are even things that 'I' keep hidden away though. Things that I've said out loud or in this blog even that I've learned to just keep inside. I don't know, I guess Im just blabbing.

Truth be told, I'm not feeling that good. Ive been keeping this pretty much on the down low but when people visit and I haven't cleaned up they wonder "who's been sleeping on the couch". Sometimes I just avoid it, other times I just say someone was resting. I've only really told two people, but in fact I am prepared to tell everyone who reads this.

As a note, thank you for reading. I write this as if everyone in my life reads it and then I walk around assuming as such lol.

Anyway. What I was getting to, as I am sure you have already guessed. I've been sleeping on my couch. All but 1 1/2 nights in the last 4 1/2 weeks.

If you've been reading my blogs for awhile, or if you dared to delve deeply into my blog archive, then you know just how much of a hell my divorce was. But you might also know that I've dealt with it fairly well and I am reasonably ok with it at this point. I strongly think it is for the best.

But one thing I haven't gotten over, one thing I have tried to not think about very much, is the one thing that I am least prepared to deal with.

I think I was so busy preparing the apartment that I didn't even realize it creeping up on me.

I have spoken about it before, but there was this month way back when all of this started, that I was alone. Probably the worst time in a man's life to be alone. Nicole had just taken the boys and flown off to Phoenix, I was jobless, lonely and scared I would never see any of them again. I am certain that fear was unfounded, but still a fear none the less.

I couldn't sleep in my own bed, going to sleep wasn't the hard part, it was waking up the next day. Waking up without the warmth of my wife, without the sound of my kids. I was alone for a whole month, I barely left the house. I felt so ashamed, I felt like less than dirt.

It was like everything good in my life had just been unceremoniously ripped away. I can't tell you how emotional I was every day. How often I would stand at my children's bed room door in the mornings hoping I would see them in their beds sleeping.

I could get no comfort or enjoyment out of anything. I couldn't watch television, I couldn't watch movies, I couldn't read and I couldn't play any games.

Every morning I woke up into a nightmare, only to be followed by restless nights of little sleep.

I am over all the fights and all the bad things we've said. I am over the whole divorce, but I don't see how I can ever get over that one month in hell.

I know, I've come a long long ways. I have good friends and family that have supported me along the way. Having an awesome lawyer certainly helped.

I am a proud father of two amazing boys.

But I feel like I am not living up to that, I feel like I can't keep my eyes on the prize. Going back to school always feels just out of reach, like Im afraid of it. Even this new wonderful life I've started to create has not gone as planned.

I feel like I am afraid to do anything, to change anything, I don't want to wake up just to find out this is all a dream, I don't want to walk into my children's rooms and see empty beds.

Alright, I need to stop talking about that. Time to talk about the here and now.

I took my boys to a cougar game on Friday. It was a ton of fun, though Jadon was kind of a poop. We brought his friend Andy, and Andy's mom Maggie was able to come too. Andy and Jadon get pretty wild together, but you can tell they are getting a little bit older and calming down a bit. They actually did pretty decent at the game too, but Jadon didn't want to listen at all so my tolerance for it quickly went out the window. He moped around for most of the second half. Tristan got really into it though and quoted the score quite often.

My friend Sarah lost a bet to me awhile back (as detailed in earlier blogs) and she was supposed to come over and take us both to the Apple Cup. Unfortunately she couldn't make it, a family emergency, I hope everything is going alright.

I am a little disappointed though, I really wanted to show Sarah my new apartment and the last time we saw each other she had really wanted to see my kids again but I didn't have them with me. But I do understand, so hopefully another time.

The weekend wasn't a total bust on this side of the state though, someone my mom knows couldn't make it to the game and he gave her 4 Apple Cup tickets. Great seats about 20 rows or so up from the 40 yard line.

I convinced my friends Amanda, Russ and Brian to go to the game with me (though going to the Apple Cup for free, not much convincing lol). Amanda and I went to the Cal game together too, she and I worked together at SEL for awhile and now we try to hang out when we can. She and her girlfriend Lisa are coming over this weekend for dinner and game night.

Russ I've mentioned in this blog quite a bit, he and I have been friends a long time. I've probably complained about him on several occasions as well lol. Brian is somebody I work with at SEL too, but we've known each other for quite awhile, he was a year behind russ and I, but we went to school together for a lot of years. The three of us were also boyscouts together for awhile.

I would love to say the game was awesome. I mean, you show a highlight of the cougars 1 minute long drive to get that field goal in the 4 quarter, to be followed up by a victory in double overtime, it looks amazing, IF thats all you show. I had a ton of fun, but the game had a slow pace, not a lot happened in it.

Tomorrow night I am taking the boys to another Cougar Basketball game, taking my Mom this time. These family passes are great and I think next year I will spend the money to get the whole season's worth. You get 2 adult tickets and 2 Youth tickets to all 16 home games and the cost works out to be right around $5 per ticket. Sounds like a damn good deal to me.

ok, back to the serious stuff.

I dont try to be something I am not. I don't try to be other people. I just try to be myself, or who I think I am. Sometimes I just don't know if I have the strength to be the person that I think that I am.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Was President Bush ever in your Dreams?

Just another quick blog. I wanted to describe a weird dream I had last night.

I know it was longer than this, but as with many dreams, some parts are very blurry. I dont remember dreams very often so when I do I try to share them.

There was definitly something at the beginning of this dream that I can't recall, but what I can remember starts with me and some friends sitting on some metal bleachers by a lake. There is a big crowd.

On my right, or what seems to be my right, President Bush (with a very very fat head) rides up towards the bleachers. He is riding a gigantic pig, the left side of the pig is painted Red and the RIght side of the pig is painted blue (I thought of this at work, but perhaps president bush being White was meant to reflect Red White and Blue??). He turned his pig to face the lake and sat there.

Some wierd ceremony started and this guy that I somehow recognized started driving a very very large fishing boat with I would approximate 18 or so Cub Scouts in full uniform. Not far off the shore the boat suddenly sank into the water and all of the cub scouts with it.

I got up, no one was doing anything, no one even seemed worried at all. President Bush was only watching, as was his Pig I assume. I ran to the lake, jumped in, and in a single action I saved all of the Cub Scouts and raised the boat above water. But the man driving the boat, who I at this point in the dream I am certain is Sinister, is no where to be seen.

Then I look over and President Bush and his Pig are no where to be found.

Then I wake up.

Enjoy Analyzing that one...

Monday, November 10, 2008

Unfinished Business

I hope everybody is doing well as the Holiday Season approaches. A new President has been elected, a new era for our nation is about to begin, and I still have not finished this damned apartment! lol

But now is the time. Ive held off on some of the things that are 'out of sight out of mind' and now its time for me to buckle down and finish the job.

Why is now the time you ask? Because Im going to have Guests. Sure, Ive had people come over and hang out, but over the course of the next four weekends I have 3 different women visiting me, so I best be getting some of this stuff dealt with.

Next weekend my friend Crystal is coming down to visit her sister who is going to the University of Idaho and we are hoping to hang out a bit and hopefully go on another date.

The following weekend is the Apple Cup and it looks like Sarah will be coming over that weekend. She likes to keep things very mysterious at times lol. And yes Sarah, my room will be much cleaner than yours was when I came to visit you. And yes, like I tell my children, everything is life is a competition, and this is one I plan on winning! lol

The next weekend (right after Thanksgiving) I have no plans currently, so somebody let me know if you want to do something. Come over and play some board games or Wii or something like that would be cool. Maybe come over for dinner, but give me a little warning so I have the right amount of food. :-)

The weekend following that is when DUN DUN DUN my ex-wife is coming to visit. She will be here from December 3rd through December 7th and she will be staying with the boys up in their bedroom. She and I have continued getting along pretty well, so I think that weekend will be a breeze. Im not DREADING seeing her like it would have been a year ago.

For the most part my place is done, theres just a few lingering issues to finalize.

My Grandma's both seem to be doing ok. My Grandma and Grandpa are liking their new home, they have a really great view of the river.

Work has been kind of wearing on me the last 2 weeks. Someone has been out almost everyday, for various reasons. So low on people, plus our workload in general increased a bit. Im still liking the job though, which is good because I think I will be there for awhile.

I kind of put the school idea on the back burner while things settle down financially. Going from being married for a few years to living at home for a few years to being on my own again, well its created some bad financial habits that I just can't afford to have anymore.

I am gathering information for my proposal to hopefully convince SEL to pay for school for me. I am very confident that they will as long as I prepare properly and get everything set up. Once I decided to persue the WSU idea I decided I would need a little more preperation and I am thinking Spring Quarter possibly, but I think Summer Quarter would be more appropriate so that I can get used to school while the boys are away and be a little more on top of how it will effect my routine when they get back.

Jadon has started doing really well with his reading. It is still quite a struggle for him at times. His MirrorScripting due to being left handed is kind of the focal point of his troubles. Even his teacher, who is also left handed, said she hasn't seen someone so hung up on the MirrorScripting before. We worked really hard on some techniques to help him out with it and they are paying off. The changes happened very fast and I am very happy with his progress.

Tristan is an excellent reader as well, they are both doing great in school and not only am I very proud of them, but they are also very proud of themselves.

Halloween was a TON of fun, and the boys got a TON of candy. They were Optimus Prime and Bumblebee from the new Animated Transformers show on.

The boys went to their friend Gracee's 5th birthday party last week and they had a lot of fun. Thats been the biggest perk about moving to his particular location is they know Gracee from Daycare and she lives just 3 doors down from us. She and her parents are really nice.

I ran into an old co-worker of mine. On halloween I was hoping I would run into her actually. She and I worked at Bookworld together and I hadn't seen her in like 8 1/2 years or so. I had heard she worked at the mall and I am glad I ran into her. Hopfully we will be getting together for Lunch one of these weekends. She and her husband have two kids now as well.

I took the boys to a story reading not too long ago. They had a lot of fun, it was at the Barnes and Nobel here in Pullman. It was halloween themed, they read 3 stories and there was snacks and a halloween contest.

I guess the only thing I have left to talk about is Television. Entourage is really good again this year, this is the first year I've actually watched it as it comes out, prior to this Ive only watched the DVDs.

Californication is back with a vengeance. If you haven't seen this show, you're really missing out. David Duchovny as a professional writer trying to navigate life with his archtect ex girlfriend and thier daughter is awesome. The show is now my favorite (other than friends ofcourse) to watch.

Fringe is still really good, though I think they took 2 weeks off. I am definitly on board with Heroes, it is really good this  year, but I doubt it will ever be as good as the first season. Smallville is actually pretty decent. It has gone down hill the last couple of years kind of, but it seems to be a pretty good season so far.

Supernatural is still one of my favorites. This year esspecially. I am completely addicted to Sam and Dean the brothers who hunt supernatural shit down and kill the hell out of it :).

My mom is taking Jadon and Tristan to the Cougar Basketball Exhibition game tomorrow night. They will have a TON of fun, they really enjoyed basketball last year (from time to time) and even got to the point where they recognized some of the players ON THE STREET. The players they recognized are still on the team too.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to the next month worth of weekends and all my ladies coming to visit. I will be following it all up with hopefully a 3rd date with Crystal in mid december, going up to see A Christmas Carol Musical. Will be great!


And I am poised to get all my Christmas stuff out at a moments notice. When is the earliest acceptable time? Is it when the stores start selling the stuff, because if so then I am really late!