Sunday, March 23, 2008

I really do have a lot of excuses

I had a good easter, great really but I wasn't fully there to enjoy it. I felt a little off all day, kind of unhappy or grumpy, whatever you want to call it. I snapped a few times, but the boys and I had fun, each week that passes things get worse at home, its not time for me to move, its past due. I liken it to how a pregnant woman must feel when she is overdue to give birth, each day gets more and more uncomfortable and annoying and all you want to do is scream until it is time.

The boys were so excited about what the Easter Bunny brought for them today, they got some Lego Indiana Jones sets, some candy, money and Pokemon stuff! Then we spent most of the day at their Great Grandma's house in Clarkston and we had an Easter Egg Hunt with our cousin Brayden Dale!

I didn't want to come home very quickly tonight, most stores were closed though. I decided to check the theater and it was open so the boys and I watched Horton Hears a Who, which was awesome we all loved it. Then we got home just after their bedtime.

I said some things a couple blogs ago about feelings and such and it honestly is difficult. As much as I want to be with that particular girl and as strong as my feelings are, that is not what is keeping me from asking other girls out. It definitly is on my mind when I think of that though, but not the reason.

"Reason" is very loosly used here, excuse was more accurate from the title of the blog. Every possible excuse I can think of is used to discourage myself from asking girls out on dates. The latest one being "I dont want to get shot down in front of my kids" I though my friend was going to slap me.

We were in the Moscow Building Supply store and the cashier was really cute, probably in her early to mid twenties we were all talking a lot and when we got outside we were barely 10 feet from the door when my friend said I should have gotten her number, and that is exactly what I was thinking myself.

I am not desperate to be with just anyone, I guess I just wish I were more couragous in that regard. Im a good guy with good values, I try to be a great father and a fun person. But I doubt anyone will ever know at this rate.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

I feel like I know you Dan

I watched the movie "Dan in Real Life" while I was in Bellingham, aside from being freakin hilarious, it was a really good movie. Our situations were totally different, his wife passed away, he is raising 3 daughters on his own and he seems to be bad with women. So I guess our situations aren't totally different, but definitly not anywhere near the same.

I felt a strange connection with his character though. I dont know what to say in this blog really, I just wanted to blog. I guess I'll just start rambling...

Jadon started Soccer yesterday, it went really well.. wait wait, back up reverse the tape...

I posted a bunch of new pictures on my Shutterfly account. You can view it by going here:

there are a ton of pictures up there if you havent been there yet, but if you have I just added 44 new photos. Many of them are of my sister Jen's new house and the view from there.

Anyway, back on track. Jadon started soccer (and there are pics from his first day on the shutterfly account... see the circles I create?) Anyway, it went really well, he is a lot more into it last year. They are teaching more about the sport this year anyway, the kids just kind of learn how to kick and pass the ball when they are little. He will have practice twice per week and then games on Saturdays. Tristan will start Soccer on Saturday and he is in the younger group like last year.

I can't wait for Flag Football to start up this thursday, it will be a lot of fun. Then Tee Ball in May.

Whoa, just thought of something else to say (hey, at this rate it will be a full fledged blog), we finalized the child support issue today!

Let me point out some issues. Nicole was ordered to start paying child support in May of 2007, it was backed up to when my divorce was filed in April and she actually started making payments in June. Part of the temporary child support order indicated that we should share the cost of Travel between parents and daycare based upon our wages. I ended up making 43% of the overall amount and Nicole 57%. So If I pay $100 in a month for Daycare in Pullman than Nicole is supposed to reimburse me $57. And on the flip side, if Nicole pays $100 for daycare in Phoenix than I am supposed to reimburse her $43.

Well, she started paying regularly, but the amount in Back Support she owed was nearly 2k and every month she paid over $30 less than how much she was supposed to. She was paying for all of the child support but only $9 towards daycare each month instead of $46 or so. So the amount she owed me kept growing and she never responded about paying it down.

Well, it got paid down allright. I am poor as hell and that does not bother me very much, more money just means I buy more shit and need a bigger place to put it, I do want to make enough money to not need assistance and live completely on my own without the need for the state or child support or anything, anyway, the point is that I qualify for daycare assitance and I NEED it if I want to use Daycare. Right now I pay $81 instead of approximatly $1200 per month.

My kids were down in Phoenix for 9 weeks last summer and my 43% of the daycare cost for those 9 weeks was over $900! That is more than when compared to my $81 per month for 11 months out of the year combined! Then the 2 week trip for christmas cost me over $700, $550 for my portion of the tickets and my portion of daycare for TWO WEEKS was around $150. 

This year I expect the overall cost to increase by another $500 at least, I am owing her enough money for this shit to negate 5 months worth of child support! The judge denied our request to use the state's minimum needs standard though, which would have limited the amount I pay her in any given month to around $600 or so Max.

She tried to get the child support amount lowered significantly, somewhat on the basis that she pays $120 or so per month to insure the boys, even though they are insured through the state (which I never applied for) and through my work for only $40, and my insurance is better, and it is good in Phoenix. While we are actually out of her network up here for her insurance, which means it will only ever be used in the 9 or so weeks out of the year that she has the boys, and even then mine would work.

Im tired and I think I lost the ability to keep this together coherently. Basically things didnt change much, She is paying about $20 less now which is fine and the percentages changed as well. I will be monitoring more closely where the kids go to daycare in phoenix and do reasearch of my own on Daycares down there. Also I will be trying to make all the arrangements for travel on my own for when the boys go down there.

Even though 'Eric' travels all the time, apparently they are still stupid as hell when it comes to planning it. They wait until the last minute, even when I prompt them repeatedly to make the plans as early as possible and it ends up costing ME a hell of a lot more because they are fucktards.

The one thing that really did change is that Nicole will no longer be 'paying' for child support, at my request it is now going to be 'taken' right out of her paychecks, we still have to work with each other when it comes to reimbursing each other for travel and daycare costs, but the child support and also the reamaining back support balance will all be handled by Support Enforcement now.

Now I just need to try and get all the info they need for the debt resolution, which has already been agreed upon. So once Ive done the leg work then we can finally finally get my divorce finalized.

Oh and there was a power outage that happened while we were doing the phone hearing with the judge. Im going to become a certified trainer at my work, which is great as Ive been training people on the job since 1998. I think there was more, oh yeah:

After our recent car trip I have made die hard 'Muse' fans out of my boys. I like Muse more and more every day. They are freaking Awesome.

PS: as a sidenote followup or what not to my last blog, I didnt actually expect a response from the girl in question, but I did get one and it was reasonable. I still dont know how to get past her, if I even wanted to, but there is nothing for me to do but try or let time sort it out.

Monday, March 17, 2008

A Lot of Time to Think

The boys and I had a really great weekend. We left Pullman on Friday at 3:30 and we made it up to Bellingham by 10:30, which is great freakin time, I expected to leave at 4pm and arrive at Midnight! Everyone was still up, they had been shopping down at Seattle Premium Outlets in Marysville and ended up only being 30 min. ahead of us.

After chit-chatting for a little while Jen showed us to our Cabin, which was really nice, it was more like a little studio apartment kind of. It was only about 20'-30' from her house too, which was nice. She lives in an area of Bellingham I hadn't been to before, but it was all really nice, she has a great view of the mountain range and the lake which she lives really close to. The whole residential area looks really nice too and her house was awesome.

On Saturday Jen's mom came up and we all went out to eat and went bowling, had some cupcakes, then pretty much let the boys dink around and play, it had been quite awhile since they had seen each other so it was probably good that we didn't fill up all the time with activities. Jen's friend Angie was hanging out for a bit too and we talked about Lost, which I Love!

Sunday we did some more hanging out, we went to Barnes and Noble and spent Tristan's gift card, he picked out 2 cool books! Then we drove home. I think we left about 4 or 4:30 and then we got home at just after Midnight, though we had to make more stops this time.

The car ride itself was fine, the boys are getting older so it actually feels a bit more fun, more like we are together. I had a bunch of Stand Up cds ready and waiting to be listened to, but the boys did not sleep very much either way, so we listened to the Radio an aweful lot. I really expected them to sleep more, finally in the last 2 hours of our trip home I got to listen to some Dane Cook, Mitch Hedburg and Nick Swardson.

I know that driving over there on I5 is more intense, but (esspecially on the ride home) it just felt like home to me. We went to a couple stores in Everett and I could not get rid of the feeling that I was home, it felt great. Its hard for me to explain, and its a subject I've mentioned in the past, but my complaints, musings, whining, bitching, moaning (you know, whatever you want to call it) about not feeling like I have a home... well anyway, the point is that how I felt in Everett makes that seem even more true to me, because even though I have not lived there in over 2 years and even though I barely know anyone there, it still felt like I belonged there, I felt so comfortable driving around there, even when I didnt know where I was going or even where I was at.

Its mainly Everett I suppose, but that whole area really, parts of Lynnwood, Mill Creek, Bothell and even Snohomish, which before last year I had only been on the outskirts of. Sure, Pullman is familiar to me, I lived her for 16 years before moving away, but even in town I just don't get that feeling, I feel like I 'click' over there. Its not time for me to go back, but I have no doubt in my mind that someday I may very well end up back over there.

You know, the last two times I made the trip across the state, it was so I could be there for my Best Friend when his Dad passed away. He had a great condo in Lynnwood and we stayed there so we could situate his estate and such and Russ wanted someone there that wasn't family that could keep things on track a little bit, or at least get stuff done in those frequent moments when family would have to just sit back and take a moment.

Russ and I always have our most deep and meaningful conversations during roadtrips, politics, parenting, life, death and ofcourse girls. I mean, when the freak isn't trying to feel me up and when I try to get Yvonne to put him on a tighter leash she just shrugs and says, "hey at least he isn't doing it to me". Anyway, that aside my last two casual trips across the state were made with a girl that I was totally interested in. 'Was' is too light a word, I am 'still' interested in this girl, I guess I've just written the idea off like a fairy take or something. A dream I had that won't ever come true.

I put most of my life on here, I really don't hide much and when I do hide something its generally for someone elses benefit and not my own. I am not a person who likes to keep things hidden, I like to talk about things and I like to get things in the open.

So I will probably keep all the details of this private but for the most part this will be a fairly complete overview. I think talking about this openly will help me get past it, because whatever I am doing now just isn't working.

I was completely and totally in love with my wife, or I thought I was. Before she moved to Phoenix we had been together for nearly 3 1/2 years. I had a really really hard time when she left me, my family, my life was just falling apart around me. Slowly over time I realized I hadn't loved her, I mean, I did 'love' her but I was never 'in love' with her, I loved our family and I was in love with the idea of it all. But I never fell in love with her nor would we have ever stayed together without our children being there.

Anyway, Im past that, that is merely leading up to the issue at hand. I met a girl in November or so of 2006. I've been blogging about this girl since the moment I met her, if you go way back to around that time period in my blog you will see what I mean. I am not a ladies man at all, I barely talk to women really, unless I know them already or meet them through others, or perhaps am in a social situation that they are also involved in. Anyway, the point is that I met this girl and I was immediatly enthralled by her, I still remember the moment I first saw her and most of what we talked about in that first conversation. She was working when we met and I was crushing on her big time, I made every excuse in the book to go back to her work to visit with her, It amazed me just how comfortable I was talking with her. I mean, I was still shy, even later in our friendship I could barely compliment her because I just wasn't sure of myself.

Eventually I was visiting her 4-5 days every week, whenever she worked I would come in and we would chat for an hour or two everyday. I loved talking with her and I couldn't learn enough about her or her life. We started hanging out outside of work a little, playing tennis, we saw a couple movies at a couple meals had some coffee and so on, kind of just as friends as she did have a boyfriend at the time. We also went on a couple of roadtrips across the state, on the first one on our way home we talked about her and I a little bit. Well not really, she just revealed that it was obvious I had a crush on her but we didnt talk about it much beyond that.

Even as innocent as our friendship was, we were probably doing too much considering she was in a relationshil with someone else. I felt really bad about that but I could never get her out of my mind, I loved spending time with her I loved talking with her. One weekend things went a little too far, I think I mentioned what happened in a previous blog, nothing extreme or anything, but definitly relationship altering.

That was when I realized this wasn't just a one sided crush, we both had some feelings for each other. As much as I was hoping for that, it was not expected, I always heard about her boyfriend and how excited she was to be moving with him and living with him and all that crap. I kissed Nicole a thousand times and I can't remember any of them, but its been a whole year since this kiss and I still can't get it out of my head, I still can't forget how soft her lips were when they touched mine. We didnt speak very much on the trip home or for the next week. Finally we played Tennis and had a long talk about the situation.

Ultimately we both admitted officially to haveing feelings of some kind for one another, but she decided she wanted to stick with her boyfriend, obviously having feelings for me does not mean she stopped loving her boyfriend, it just confused the situation. Staying with him was probably the right choice and while I told her i would understand if that is what she chose, I still wasn't very happy with that decision lol. I had a different job so we werent hanging out everyday anymore, Tennis practically stopped, except maybe a couple more times, our 2nd road trip happened after the kiss but eventually she moved away when her boyfriend graduated.

That was last year, we kept in touch a little bit, off and on really, we visted once when she came up, I dont recall why she was here at this point, but we went out for coffee. She also came up for Jadon's birthday in October which was a lot of fun. That was the last time I saw her. Then, not long after that, she and her boyfriend broke up. It sounds like it was a pretty clean break, just a mutual decisiont hat their lives werent going to be going in the same direction I suppose.

I didn't want to get too excited about the situation, even when I was talking with my friend about her breaking up with him originally we both agreed she would need some time, or quite a lot of time, it was a long relationship that she thought would have a different ending. But I did send her a message to feel the situation out and the response I got was suprising, and spurred more communication between us on the subject of maybe going on a real date for once.

Now, one thing I have left out to this point is that I am online freakin every day and I communicate like crazy, but she is the opposite. There are so many times that I have felt like I have just repeatedly pushed her away with just how much I communicate with her. And it increases when I start talking about her and I and the possabilities of us getting together and I go on and on and I just babble and repeast myself. And I know its too much.

Anyway, that happened again after she became single at the end of last year, it always causes her to take a step back and not really communicate with me at all. But this time in the end it caused her to write a message to me, I think I had written a message that may have been a little harsh to her and I just said something along the lines of, its December 31st and I dont need things to happen fast between us but I need honesty and if things arent going to happen at all then I need to know that, and while that isn't verbatim I got another response from her that suprised me and she said that I wasn't along in thinking about her everday and that she also thought about me that reguarly.

Anyway, the point is that in my attempts to get even just a first date with her, and I was not imagining her interest in me, I have managed only to silence her compeltely. It has been around 2 months since I have even heard from her.

I write to her frequently still, once or twice I week I am certain of. Just talking about  my life, telling her it would be nice to hear from her. Its been two months of total silence, nearly half a year since I have seen her, we have never officially dated, we kissed once and we have known each other for about 16 months now.

I need to stop writing her, I need to stop thinking about her. In some weird way, even this blog is a message to her.

I feel like I am completely in love with this girl. No matter where I go or what I am doing I am thinking of her. I think of her on drives, I think of her at work, I think of her when I listen to music or when I am reading. She is always present on my MySpace and Facebook obviously, but I have decided that is nothing compared to the rest. Even when I am not thinking about her everyone knows how much I talked about her when we were hanging out all the time and people always ask me how she is doing. My grandparents, my mom, my best friend, my sister in law, my ex wife and even my kids ask me how she is doing, what she is up to.

The truth is, I don't know what I feel for her, but I know that I loved hearing about her life, I loved hearing about her family, I loved talking with her and spending time with her, I always had a smile on my face when I was around her, I loved her aspirations and while we didnt have a ton in common, we did share many similar aspirations in life.

I still think about her, even though she isn't even talking to me right now and seems to be mulling over the possability of getting back together with an old boyfriend of hers, I can't stop myself from trying to figure out what I am feeling, why I am feeling it and if I should stop feeling it, if I even can stop.

I can't stop trying to figure out what happened, why we didn't even get a first date before I pushed her away, if that is even what happened. Did I push her away? was I too intense? was I just too fast? Sometimes I am just afraid of my own inexperience, but now in a way I am more afraid of what women will think of my inexperience.

I dont know what to think, I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking about her, and I think things will remain that way for quite some time as I don't want to stop thinking about her.

What do you think of all of this? what do you think I should do? And if I should just forget about this girl, how? Because right now at this moment I still want to be with her, I still want that first date and I still want to see where things could go. But I dont think thats ever going to happen, but I dont think I can honestly find someone else until I can really get her out of my mind. So please ladies, beat some sense into me.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Happy Birthday to my Mom

Today is my mom's birthday, she turned 48. We celebrated on Sunday, a little family get together, it was fun. She and I got our asses handed to us in a game of Pinocle, my Grandma and Great Grandma dominated.

Tommarow is little Gabriel's first birthday! I can't believe my best friends second born is already getting so big. God I love that little munchkin, he makes me miss having a little baby around the house. Sometimes it can be frustrating, but everything from sleeping, getting dressed, taking a bath, taking a drive, eating a meal, its all a daily adventure, I can't really describe how awesome it is to have a baby.

I can tell you though, that watching those beautiful little babies grow up is second to nothing in my life. They are People now, individuals. Distinct. Unique. Its amazing.

Tristan's birthday is coming up very quickly, he is going to be 5 years old! That will also signal when Jadon becomes 6 1/2, though unlike other kids they haven't really started using the 1/2 phrase at the end of their ages yet. I am intending on holding his party at the Bumpers Arcade on Sunday the 30th, hopefully we can get lots of his friends from the Firebirds there.

All of these birthdays made me realize just how old I am going to be this year. 28. Wow. I've never sat down and thought about my age before, never been bothered by it. Now seems different somehow, 28 seems really old to me. I have two kids that are going to both be in elementary school next year, I have a receding hairline, I have a divorce, I don't feel as young as I used to.

I am certainly not old though, hell I am not even sure if I have hit my prime yet. I think part of my 'feeling old' is not having someone special to share my life with. Sure, I talk about having more babies, but more than that I would want someone to share that with.

Yearning aside, I am not sure what to think or do about my Grandfather. I love him so much, but his situation changes with each passing week. His Alzihimers/Dementia gets more and more severe. Just a couple weeks ago the doctor told us that he is not to be allowed around children anymore without complete supervision. We were already operating under these circumstances, but hearing it from his doctor made it even more real.

His health and memory are getting worse as well. Already all of the knives, keys and money are hidden. My grandma will have to start hiding all her valuables now as well, my Grandpa has a girlfriend that he likes to give her Jewelry too. He talks a lot dirtier now as well.

Things got much worse just last week when my Grandma couldn't find my Grandpa and it turns out he had gotten a ride to my Uncle's Bistro, my Uncle got down there as fast as he could and my Grandpa told him he was leaving my Grandma, he said some pretty mean things too. All my Grandma did was find a note that said he wanted a divorce and that he was going to go live with his girfriend (and then it got a little graphic). My grandma understands the situation, but she said the note just broke her heart to read.

Anyway, I better sign off for now. Its getting late and I've got a slight cold to contend with, mornings are always the worst. Will be renting a car this weekend to drive to Bellingham still. I am planning on leaving at 4pm Pacific Standard Time and hopefully arriving in Bellingham no later than Midnight that same night. The boys will sleep for more than half the drive, I had a car trip buddy with me the last two times I went across the state and those car trips were a ton of fun. I miss her.

Saturday, March 1, 2008


Thanks for all the great comments!

I've got to say, I know its not over yet, we still have to go to court over Debt and Child Support. But I am just not concerned about that really. I want it to be over, I want to be divorced, but as far as all the stress that I have been feeling, all of the buildup and emotional strain... it feels gone. Ive had ups and downs, but even on my happiest days this custody battle was a dark shadow hanging over my head. Its gone, its done. I feel amazing.

That said, I am literally just waiting for a phone call and I will be moving into town. It could be in a week, it could be in a month, but once I get that call, its GO time. I cant wait to finally get my own place set up! I cant wait to finally sleep in my own bed again and cook with my own pots and pans! Eat on my own plates, sit at my own desk. I cant wait for my kids to finally have all their toys again. Ill finally be able to put my own pictures up on the wall, look through my own momentos. When holidays come around Ill be able to decorate my own place with my own decorations.

I own all of this stuff, aside from a few pieces of furniture that I need to buy, I am pretty much all set. There is just so much stuff that I haven't even seen for nearly 2 years, a majority of my stuff. Heck, my kids don't even fit the beds that are in storage!

Lots of birthdays in March. I am thinking about having a family portrait done and sending that out as presents. Regardless of using it as a gift, its something I have been wanting to do for awhile. I really want to find a good place to buy dress clothes for kids, I am not always happy with what I find in that regard and this area is particularly limited.

Sports start in just a few short weeks, so on the weekend before they start I am going to drive up to Bellingham. It will, unfortunatly, be a short trip. I want to make the trip up, but I've used so much of my Vacation and Sick time for Family Emergencies, Divorce and even sometimes being sick, that I need to just start saving it up so that I have plenty for next school year.

I just found out that the boys and I will be staying in our own Cabin right by where my soon to be ex sister-in-law's new house is. We are leaving right after I get off work at 2:30pm on Friday the 14th and then we will leave to come home Sunday afternoon on the 16th. I was thinking about renting a car for the trip too. Though, I want to keep the Pass in mind, if its still pretty bad then the trip may be off.

It would be nice to have a trip-buddy with me to help keep me awake and entertain me for the drive.