Sunday, December 30, 2007

life inversion

Well, I have no plans for New Years Eve, probably just going to watch some movies and have a good day off the next day.

I feel like I am being so dramatic all the time now, every little thing just sets me off. I've always been 'uptight' but dramatic was never the way one would describe me, far from it. I always just feel on edge now, every little thing becomes so very insulting to me.

I feel that the two primary things contributing to this state of mind are 1) My living situation and 2) The Delays of my divorce (and the reasons behind the delays).

When I moved here in April of 2006 the plan was for me to just work a couple months and live with my mom so I can save some money, then I was to move to Phoenix once I had saved enough to move our stuff down there. I was probably going to be living down there by the end of summer.

Obviously things changed quite a bit, but underneath it all I have been continuing to stay with my mom. All of our stuff has remained packed for 20 months, I had only kept out the very basic necessities (like clothes). I've lived in someone elses house for too long, I've never even really treated it like a home, eventually they made their office into my bedroom, but I am surrounded by their furniture, pictures of my Step-Dad's family. I've done what I can to make this feel like the boys' home, but it does not feel like mine, and I think that is because I have never let it.

I need my own home, I need to have my own pictures on the wall, pictures I haven't seen in far too long, I need my little ceramic Wizard Frog that always watched me type at the computer, with his little crystal ball that says "Courage". Speaking of which, I need my Courage back. I feel like I am holding myself back, like I can't make it without a 'partner'. And that is not why I want a girlfriend, by the way.

That 'courage' segue was wholly unintentional. I am going crazy living here, what am I going to do with a girl anyway? Bring her back to my Mom's place once we get to that point of our relationship? Maybe bring her into my 8'x8' bedroom that has 4'x4' worth of free floor space if you take the chair out of it!?!

I wouldn't say I feel homeless, that would be inaccurate. My mom and Rick have provided us with a very stable living envioronment, I just don't feel comfortable here, I don't feel like its my "safe haven" it just doesn't feel like a home. And I feel it has finally started to drive me crazy.

I think I was able to keep it together pretty well for awhile, once I filed for divorce I had clear goals in mind and things seemed to be moving fast. I was a nervous wreck ofcourse, but I was fighting a huge uphill battle that my lawyer and I didn't believe I could win at first.

The problem is that I should have been divorced 4 months ago. I am surrounded with the unknown, once things are decided, regardless of the outcome, I can deal with it, I will be able to move forward instead of standing stagnant. Its going to be 2 more months before my next scheduled trial date, and with the 2 prior delays I dont feel like its very solid.

I guess I just want to say I am sorry. To everyone, I am so centered around my own 'situation' all the time, it is always on my mind, it is always effecting my mood and attitude every day. Sometimes I unintentionally ignore people, sometimes I come on way too strong, sometimes I don't come forward at all. All my emotions, even basic ones, just feel so uninhibited at times, raw.

On that note, I am going to bed.

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