Thursday, December 6, 2007

Hard Day

I have to admit, aside from brief descriptions to summarize the event, or merely saying it happened, I haven't thought much or talked much about when I finally found out Nicole was cheating on me.

I was sitting at work today and I don't even know what happened, I just started thinking about it and I didn't realize how much pain it still made me feel.

After Nicole moved to Phoenix we talked on the phone a lot, almost everyday. Aside from the distance it felt like we were still together to a certain degree and we would even have a little bit of "phone sex" from time to time. From time to time the idea of "breaking up" would be discussed, but ultimately I wanted us to find a way to be together again and work out our problems as a family.

Nicole was having some issues and I missed the boys terribly so we agreed they should come up and stay with me. When we saw each other finally after 2 months apart she didn't even want to hug me or anything, it made me feel very uneasy as it was sharply contrasted to our conversations. 2 weeks later she called me and told me in a very difinitive tone that she wanted a Divorce.

I still stuck to the idea of us "working it out" and she caved into the ideas a bit, but she would bring divorce up as an idea fairly reguarly. I also started getting the feeling that she was starting to see other people but she would tell me she wasn't, sometimes I would even guess at a specific person (her supervisor from Qwest) and she would say no. I became very supicious but ultimatly I came up with a plan for us to get back together for 1 full year, get into couple's therapy and really try, I was even willing to move to Phoenix. She did not say no to this plan, she said she would think about it. This was about 2 weeks prior to Jadon's 5th birthday in October of 2006.

As part of me offering this deal I also decided in my mind to set my suspicions aside and trust what she was telling me. We planned for her to come up for Jadon's birthday party, over the next 2 weeks we spoke about the possability of this plan and she never said no to it or gave any indication that it was off the table. Then, on Friday October 6th she arrived at the airport.

She acted strangly around me and didn't hug me or anything, I was already crying because I hadn't seen my wife since May, and that was just for a moment, I hadn't spent any time with her since the very beginning of March. I was hoping this weekend would be a first step towards really reconciling and hopefully lead to us getting back together.

She had a weird looking suitcase with her and I asked who's it was, she said it was her friend Wendy's (who is real) and while I was skeptical I believed her. She was also texting someone a lot who she also said was Wendy, which I really did believe (though it turned out to be Eric the whole time). So we are driving down to Clarkston from Spokane, the boys are asleep and she and I start to talk.

I stupidly decide I want some confirmation from her in person and I ask her if she has been seeing anyone.. her response shattered my mind and my heart.. the answer was yes.

She indicated she had started seeing someone "casually", I immediatly fell apart. I immediatly asked if it was Erik, and she said no. Her first story was that she was dating someone casually, they had been on 12 dinner dates and hadn't slept together yet. Immediatly this didn't click in my mind as a plausible answer so I dugg deeper, each time she answered she revealed some truth but more lies. The final story, which I pieced together over the course of the weekend and the week after she left, is that as soon as the kids were gone she began dating her ex-supervisor Erik, within 2 weeks they were living together.. (which if you read above coincides with when she called me and told me she definitly wanted a divorce).

The weekend was horrible, I was in tears nearly the whole time, I completely segregated myself from my family and I nearly ruined Jadon's birthday party. I cried myself to sleep every night for the next couple weeks, and esspecially while Nicole was there. I couldn't even control myself I would just break down sobbing and crying. As hard as the last 7 months had been, this was my breaking point. Ever since then I have been different emotionally, all my walls and bariers have dissipated and see me and my emotions in their raw form, even now.

Recalling this unexpectedly while at work took me by suprise, it was like suddenly remembering some long forgotten nightmare.

I am over Nicole, I am over our marriage, I wish this divorce would just end. But regardless, I will carry the pain of her betrayal with me forever.

1 comment:

  1. I still remember that weekend vividly, even now. As I read that final paragraph I imagine I am hearing a voice over monologue at the end of a movie, and the movies score stops abruptly right as I say "would just end" and with no background music at all I say the last line "But regardless, I will carry the pain of her betrayal with me forever."

    I still believe that to be 100% true.