Sunday, November 25, 2007

I can be an emotional person

Even as a child I was overly emotional. As I grew to be a teenager I had slowly become angry, and with all the deaths in my family in the 1990s, I ended up closing myself off. I became very un-emotional, very withdrawn. People I worked with and went to school with always asked me why I looked so angry all the time, I wasn't angry, but I always had a plain look on my face. I didn't walk around with my head up, didn't talk to people with a smile on my face.

All my life I have known I wanted children. I went through a lot of inner turmoil when I moved away from home, grew to be a stronger person than I had expected. When I became a Father, that was the best thing to ever happen in my life. Through the end of our marriage and the beginning of my divorce I realized I had been with a person that I did not want to be with. I had been with a person solely to enable that other thing which I cherished so dearly, Fatherhood.

Despite the circumstances, I loved marriage. I hope I can find the right girl to marry someday, I know the kind of girl I want, the kind of girl I feel would be a good match for me; I feel that I am unsure of wether I am a good match for that kind of girl or not. I feel like the only kind of girl that would be a match for me is someone that is the girl equivelent of myself. But she would not be interesting to me, I dont see how she could make me happy.

I can not double up on the half of my soul that already exists, I want someone different than myself but mysteriously familiar to me. Someone that completes me, someone who is my other half. Someone I can picture by my side through all facets of my life. Walking hand in hand through life, supporting each other, loving each other.

    I want someone who will give me more children and love being a parent as much as I do. Someone I can picture laying on a couch, eating popcorn and watching a movie with. Someone I can picture sitting down for a big family dinner with. That someone who I can feel sitting next to me at my son's weddings or graduations. The woman that I will dance with at my wedding. The woman who's tears I will wipe away when she is sad, thst same woman who will hold me when I feel the same. The woman who I see holding my frail hand at next to my deathbed while I tell her that this is not the end, and that I will always love her. The Woman of my Dreams.

I can never stop thinking, never stop feeling. There is always so much on my mind, romance should be the last thing I should be thinking about. Ever since last night I have been feeling quite down. This morning I woke up early but just couldn't pull myself out of bed. All today I have been quiet, reserved, thoughtful, yet depressed and anxious.

The hearing I will be going to in the morning could literally make or break the rest of my trial. Even after 20 months since she left me, her inability to think and do what is best for our children shocks me. I have been raising my children for the last 18 months, they have been in solely my care for 16 of the last 18 months.

Everyone is more than certain that the chances of the Judge siding in my favor are extremely high. Throughout this whole case all I have ever tried to do is make sure that I have Parental Rights equivelent to that of Nicoles. To Prove that Nicole is the Antagonist of this story, all she ever tries to do is, carelessly and without regard for our children, prevent me from having the rights that I truly deserve. They have tried and failed, now a new court case has given them the opprotunity and a better basis for trying that again.

How is it good for Jadon or Tristan if I don't have any fatherly rights over Jadon? If this results in a loss and Jadon needs to be shipped off to Phoenix, how is seperating the boys good for them? How is taking Jadon out of Kindergarten good for him?

Despite the first few paragraphs, this is the real reason for my wishing to write a blog tonight. If I am interpreting my lawyer's confidence level correctly I give us a 50/50 chance to win at the hearing in the morning. If I lose I may very well give the court an oral statement, if I have the strength. And regardless of wether I win or lose I will be sending out an email to all of my family and friends, and all of Nicole's family and friends, Publicly denouncing her for the way she has conducted herself in this trial and the choices she had made that negativly effect my children.

I will post the results Monday evening.

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