Even as a child I was overly emotional. As I grew to be a teenager I had slowly become angry, and with all the deaths in my family in the 1990s, I ended up closing myself off. I became very un-emotional, very withdrawn. People I worked with and went to school with always asked me why I looked so angry all the time, I wasn't angry, but I always had a plain look on my face. I didn't walk around with my head up, didn't talk to people with a smile on my face. All my life I have known I wanted children. I went through a lot of inner turmoil when I moved away from home, grew to be a stronger person than I had expected. When I became a Father, that was the best thing to ever happen in my life. Through the end of our marriage and the beginning of my divorce I realized I had been with a person that I did not want to be with. I had been with a person solely to enable that other thing which I cherished so dearly, Fatherhood. Despite the circumstances, I loved marriage. I hope I can find the right girl to marry someday, I know the kind of girl I want, the kind of girl I feel would be a good match for me; I feel that I am unsure of wether I am a good match for that kind of girl or not. I feel like the only kind of girl that would be a match for me is someone that is the girl equivelent of myself. But she would not be interesting to me, I dont see how she could make me happy. I can not double up on the half of my soul that already exists, I want someone different than myself but mysteriously familiar to me. Someone that completes me, someone who is my other half. Someone I can picture by my side through all facets of my life. Walking hand in hand through life, supporting each other, loving each other. I want someone who will give me more children and love being a parent as much as I do. Someone I can picture laying on a couch, eating popcorn and watching a movie with. Someone I can picture sitting down for a big family dinner with. That someone who I can feel sitting next to me at my son's weddings or graduations. The woman that I will dance with at my wedding. The woman who's tears I will wipe away when she is sad, thst same woman who will hold me when I feel the same. The woman who I see holding my frail hand at next to my deathbed while I tell her that this is not the end, and that I will always love her. The Woman of my Dreams. I can never stop thinking, never stop feeling. There is always so much on my mind, romance should be the last thing I should be thinking about. Ever since last night I have been feeling quite down. This morning I woke up early but just couldn't pull myself out of bed. All today I have been quiet, reserved, thoughtful, yet depressed and anxious. The hearing I will be going to in the morning could literally make or break the rest of my trial. Even after 20 months since she left me, her inability to think and do what is best for our children shocks me. I have been raising my children for the last 18 months, they have been in solely my care for 16 of the last 18 months. Everyone is more than certain that the chances of the Judge siding in my favor are extremely high. Throughout this whole case all I have ever tried to do is make sure that I have Parental Rights equivelent to that of Nicoles. To Prove that Nicole is the Antagonist of this story, all she ever tries to do is, carelessly and without regard for our children, prevent me from having the rights that I truly deserve. They have tried and failed, now a new court case has given them the opprotunity and a better basis for trying that again. How is it good for Jadon or Tristan if I don't have any fatherly rights over Jadon? If this results in a loss and Jadon needs to be shipped off to Phoenix, how is seperating the boys good for them? How is taking Jadon out of Kindergarten good for him? Despite the first few paragraphs, this is the real reason for my wishing to write a blog tonight. If I am interpreting my lawyer's confidence level correctly I give us a 50/50 chance to win at the hearing in the morning. If I lose I may very well give the court an oral statement, if I have the strength. And regardless of wether I win or lose I will be sending out an email to all of my family and friends, and all of Nicole's family and friends, Publicly denouncing her for the way she has conducted herself in this trial and the choices she had made that negativly effect my children. I will post the results Monday evening.
This is never going to end ... So I can't wait for it to any longer. Its time for me to stop hiding in my shell and get back out into the world. It has been such a blessing to be able to come back home and have a warm, safe place to live during this dark chapter of my life. This has just been going on for far too long though. My reasons for waiting are understandable, I would follow my children to the ends of the earth if neccessary, and I dont want to get tied up in some bogus lease if I suddenly have to find out that I need to move 1500 miles away. I've lived here long enough though, I need a place of my own and I am going to be working hard in that direction starting after Christmas. As much of a blessing as this 'home' has been, it is not My home nor has it felt as such. My children are also ready to move, every week they ask me when we are getting our own place and the answer has always been after the trial. Well I waited 12 months to file for Divorce. I was afraid of losing my children and at first had no legel precedence for keeping my son Jadon. As such, delay was my only option. Eventually things progressed to the point where it could no longer be avoided. Things have worked in my favor somewhat so far, we shall see after the hearing in 8 days. But no, 12 months to file was nothing; my first trial date was set for August of this year, 5 months after I filed for divorce. At the last minute Nicole's lawyer tried some stuff to try to take Jadon out of the case, it failed but the Trial was then delayed to November (tommarow). Then, at the last minute Nicole's lawyer tried some stuff to try to take Jadon out of the case, it will hopefully fail, but either way it will further delay our Trial until at least February of 2008, 11 months after I filed, 23 months after Nicole left. And by that time Nicole will have only had the boys for 2 of the last 21 months. Anyway, I am going to set some goals for myself on a move. Depending on when I plan for it to happen I will start setting a pre-determined amount of money away each paycheck based upon how much I anticipate it to cost (plus about $400-$500 extra just in case my over-estimate ends up being an under-estimate, because for those who know me, I always over-estimate on purpose). Most importantly I need to figure out where I am going to live and when I am going to move there. My gut instinct, despite my current plan, is to plan a move in June of 2008 so that Jadon can finish out his year of kindergarten if I decide to move away from Pullman. But if I decide to move into or around Pullman than I believe I want my goal to be sometime near the end of February or beginning of March. I need to talk to some people and figure out what is going on in other parts of my life as well to take that stuff into account. Eventually once this is all over I may wish to move back over to the west side of the state. Once my divorce is final and things with the kids and I have stabalized. I enjoyed like the Bothell/Snohomish type area or maybe up North in Bellingham again. The Spokane/Coeur d'Alene area is a possability as well, it would allow me to stay close enough to my family and friends to include them all in mine and my children's lives to the extent I want. Sure, all these things seem to be after when my divorce may end in theory. But at the moment I have been planning on waiting until it was finalized to even consider a move. Even though I wouldnt actually make the move until after the divorce, I must move forward with purpose, I must move forward with the Life running through my veins that I have been so dearly fighting for. I Love my children, and I will raise them. I feel confident that unless Nicole's lawyer finds some legal trick to utterly destroy the rights I should have for my children, then I believe the judge will side with me and grant my Primary custody.
Today felt somewhat stressful, but about 1 hour before the end of my shift I started thinking "The next time I work, this will all be over". It finally started to feel real to me, like we would actually have a resolution. In fact, when I was leaving I commented to Adam and Pam that I didn't feel at all stressed or anxious like I thought I would, after work I felt excited. It became exhilerating to think that the trial would soon be over. So after I said that, I sit down in my car and call Beth, my Lawyer. Its the friday before my Trial so I wanted to make sure that she didn't need me to do anything else. This is the point in my story that my 'high' dissapears and reality gives me a swift kick to the face. Beth breaks the bad news, on Wednesday Nicole's lawyer filed another motion to Dismiss Jadon from the divorce, Beth didn't actually find this all out until Thursday, and a hearing was set for 4pm on Friday (today). I don't need to be present for it, but I decide it would be in my own best interests if I am there to hear the results. Essentially what the Motion to Dismiss is based on is a new trial dealing the De Facto Parent status that was just completed at the beginning of this month. This trial is definitally a different situation than my own, but there are some similarities and based on those similaraties I could potentially lose my ability to get custody of Jadon, which is why he would be dismissed fromt he case. Which means I would automatically lose Jadon. There are rules that need to be followed in court however, and one of them that relates to this situation is something along the lines of us needing this new information at least 5 days before trial. Now, part of thier motion to dismiss included a motion to essentially ignore this 5 day rule. What my lawyer proposed to the judge was that he deny this motion to ignore the 5 day rule and do one of two things. The first suggestion she made is that since trial is already set for the next two business days that the judge just incorporates this motion and its new information into the Trial, the second suggestion is that the trial be continued another time and a certain date bet set for the hearing. Because the judge had such a huge criminal law slate he hadn't had time to look over our case yet for this hearing. He was going to examine the file for the trial over the weekend. Due to this information we all agreed it was best to cancel the trial, the hearing to determine if Jadon is dismissed from the divorce case happens on Monday November 26th, and depending on the outcome of that, I could very well lose this trial. Now, when the hearing happens on Monday the 26th that is when we will schedule the new trial, and as of right now the earliest date they have open for trial is around the 2nd week of February. Frank has waited too long and his rights over Jadon default, one step closer to adoption. This hearing will probably go my way and the delay can only help my case as long as the hearing works out. This also screws with Nicole's christmas, as there is absolutely no legal agreement in place that gives her the kids back until the trial, which means its pretty much up to me. So hopefully she doesnt have any long conversations about how much she doesnt like me anymore or how everything is my fault.
Children, I never really thought about it before. I have always loved Comedy and Horror (and a bunch of other stuff), but since I've had children the way I view and enjoy these things has slowly changed. The same reason exists for both, though due to the differences in Genres, it effects them differently. Even when my children were gone for 9 weeks during the summer, I always felt as if they were right there at my side. And that is the key. My sense of Horror is so much more heightened, and I find things to be more horrible, things frighten me faster. Adult comedy really changes as well. Things that people say that would take you offguard when your kids are present, are so much funnier when you feel their presence. Obviously the kids arent there, but that sense that they are is enough. In a way it has made me enjoy both comedy and horror more than ever, though I do tend to watch a lot less horror than I used to.
So, I know that Veteran's day was yesterday, but many insitutions took the day off today in order to further its celebration (thats one way to put it lol). I did not realize until midway through last week that both Jadon's school and the boy's daycare were both to be closed today. At first I thought I might have to take the day off to watch them, as I don't get the day off for the Holiday. My mom gets the day off from WSU though so she volunteered to watch them this morning. I remembered that when I left for work early this morning. But after I went to the gym today I went strait to the daycare to pick the kids up, I unlatched the gate, walked into the playground, things seemed quiet and fairly dark. Unfortunatly it didn't click, my first thought was "is it still nap time?", I walk into the main office area and realize the truth. My kids are down in Clarkston with my mom and grandparents. Suddenly I feel like a total numbskull and I immediatly call my mom to check on the kids and see how their day is going. And ofcourse, to indicate the embarassing moment I just had at the daycare. Fortunatly it was empty and I was alone. In hindsight, I kind of wish I had worked out a little bit longer. Anyway, one week from today my Trial starts. My thoughts on this have not been idle, I torture myself with all possabilities exploding through my mind.
So I did not make it to the gym on Friday as I was hoping. With Dad's weekend, Basketball and Football all happening all the roads around Beasley were blocked off. I ended up going to the daycare early and speaking with the boy's teachers about some things and the upcoming trial. A week ago I felt like this whole process was taking forever, but all this week each day has ticked by and now there are only 9 days left until the first day of my Divorce Trial. I really don't know what to expect, or how to feel. As of about right now it has been 20 months since my 'wife' and I were together. We are quickly approaching the 2 year mark, which sounds huge considering she and I were only together for 3 1/2 years. Nicole and I never would have hung out if we didn't work together. She, my roommate Waylon and myself formed a pretty tight nit team. I did have a bit of a crush on her, and that is what led up to us dating ofcourse. Mistakes were made and she got pregnant right away though and thinking back my reaction was odd. I mean, you are with your first girlfriend, you barely know her, she gets pregnant a month after you have been together (which means one of the first times was the charm). I was so excited, I just want to go back in time and punch myself in the head or something. I mean, I LOVE my kids and I wouldn't change this about my life at all. But I definitly would wish I hadn't been such a freakin dumb ass about it. No freaking worries in the world even though I just got my 18 year old girlfriend pregnant. I was obviously an Adult when I got Nicole pregnent, but I didn't know what responsability was yet. Not even close. I just watched the movie Knocked up and its interesting to watch the main characters grow into their responsabilties. God I love being a Father so much, and I have learned so much about it and I know there is so much more growth there waiting for me. I really hope to have more kids, at least 2 more, but I feel like the timing is off. I feel like right now is the time I would want to have a 3rd child, but when I finally do start dating someone, I probably would want to date her for at least 6-12 months before making a decision of that magnitude with her. I am still in my Mid-Late twenties though, so in that regard I feel like I have plenty of time, Ill just have to find a girl a bit younger than me for the math to work out. Anyway, last night we had our weekly movie night, the boys both picked Flight of the Navigator (amazing movie, I bought it at Blockbuster awhile back). Then tonight was our game night, we tried 2 of the new games Jadon got for his birthday and things went pretty well. Today was weird though, Jadon had a scratch bleeding on his Shin and I had him sitting up on the counter in the bathroom while I cleaned it with Hydrogen Peroxide. As I am drying off his leg to put a Bandaid on he suddenly goes Limp, I didnt understand at first, but it turns out he feinted. Gosh my heart was racing before I knew what had happened and I am still a bit worried about it now. I am not sure if it was the blood or the stinging or what. I gave the boys haircuts today, I think they turned out well. I posted a side by side comparison in myMySpace Photoswhich also includes a new photo of the barber. I did a bunch of cleaning today and I would have been doing laundry but I managed to get it all finished before the weekend! Fatherland is getting better and better, I am about 2/3 of the way through it now. Anyway, thats enough for now. Just as a final note, I am super excited about the prospect of seeing this show on December 2nd, but keeping the name/type of show a secret becomes more difficult. I was never very good with suprises.
So I didn't quite hit the 50 minute mark at the Gym today. But I did go, thats 2 days in a row!! Im intending on going in tommarow as long as I dont need to do anything for my lawyer. So I think 35-40 min. is the max i can spend at the gym. I think its enough, but not quite as much as I was hoping. I guess I could go longer if I really wanted, but It just means the kids stay in daycare longer and we get home later. I get off at 2:30 and I can't pick the kids up until about 3:35 or so, so what I am trying to do is get to the gym as soon as I can, I am just paying for 1 hour of parking and then I am trying to workout until about 3:45-3:50 or so. So literally the faster I get there the more time I will exercise. I am not entirely opposed to large groups of people, but when things start getting crowded, that is when I feel less comfortable. So going to the gym doesn't bother me like it would have when I was in high school. Between 2:30-3:30 there isnt too many people there, but by 4 its getting pretty full, so it works out well for my schedule. As far as groups of people go, I enjoy doing things in groups a lot more than I ever used to. Though, it obviously depends upon the people involved. Wether it is dinner at home, hanging out at a bar, playing board games or doing something more active. hmm, come to think of it, doubles tennis would be a lot of fun (right Tennis partner? we would stomp the competition! lol) I am really getting into this book I am reading, Fatherland by Robert Harris. So far it is really interesting, I'll break it down for you. It takes place in 1964, it is about a police officer in Germany that investigates a murder and begins to unravel a greater consipircy behind this and other related murders. Sounds like its been done a bajillion times before, but the twist would be the setting. It is not 1964 as we know and love it, its a slightly different time line, kind of a what if type of scenerio. It is set in Germany, 1964... IF the germans had won World War 2. The really interesting part is that they dont break down everything that has happened, you learn it as it becomes important to the story. Also, the murdered individuals were all high ranking Nazi Party members who existed in real life, though I believe they were all dead well before 1964 in our own timeline. Anyway, I dont want to say too much, but so far I highly recommend it. I intend to pick up some of this author's other novels as well. There is this awesome show in 3-4 weeks that I want to go to, it could be awesome. I have heard good things about it anyway. I have always been interested in stuff like this, but haven't had the opprotunity since I was a teenager. Hopefully I can find a date for it, but if not thats cool. If I keep my eyes open there are always cool things going on, esspecially during the holidays.
Well, I certainly don't write blogs as often as I used to so I guess I should make sure what I am saying counts! First off I just got off the phone with my Wife (EX in 12 days!!!) and out of no where she was a total b-i-t-c-h to me. She called to talk to the kids but they were eating dinner, and after over a year and a half she finally recognizes that I dont just hand the phone over to the kids during meals, baths and bed times. So she just asked me to say hi to them for her and I did, but then Jadon wanted to say hi really quick so i held the phone to his ear and he said a couple things and when she wanted to talk to him more he said "i am eating, can you call me back when I am done?" she agreed and then Tristan looked like he wanted to say hi and so I held the phone to his ear and let him say hello really quick and then let them continue eating. Meanwhile I get back on the phone with Nicole (sitting at the table with the boys) and she tells me they scheduled their return flight for Wednesday the 21st and when I questioned her she was somewhat defensive and indicated it turned out to be cheaper that way (I call bullshit, after dropping nearly $10,000 on her lawyer and her/thier trips up here...). I asked why, if that was the reason, was it such a secret when we had spoken before and she just said "because it didn't matter". Well, Im fucking asking, so it fucking matters, the original reason I was interested was so I could anticipate her intentions towards spending time with the kids and when she made such a big deal about keeping the information from me.. then it was a big deal. Then I indicate to call back in 15 min. to talk to the kids and she tries to negotiate and asks me to call her when the kids are done. Not entirely unreasonable, but I have things to do that I am trying to get done right now, like Laundry, making beds, cleaning up dinner, reading a novel and so forth. I tell her I've got things I am working on and it would just be easier if she called back in 15 min. and suddenly out of nowhere she just freaks out. She starts swearing at me and putting down things about my life like the "fucking small town in the middle of no where" and "fucking nothing better to do" and all sorts of random crap. She is sitting, bored out of her mind at a stupid soccer game and she cant just call back in 15 min. So, being the stubborn, cold hearted, mean and unrelentingly important 'husband' she remembers so well, I stood my ground and didnt give and inch, I told her that what I am doing is none of her business and that her son asked her to call him back when dinner is over and she can either do that or not call at all. At which point she swore at me again and said something along the lines of "fine, Ill just call in 15 min." then she was saying something else obnoxious when I hung the phone up. Conversation Over. Soooooo.... Anyway, I was challenged yesterday by a certain someone, doubting my conviction to go to the gym today. I am happy to announce success! I only spent 35 min. there, but I intend to increase that to 50 min. tommarow. And now Ive got to go, I was intending on writing a bit more but its so time consuming. PS: when she called back in 15 min she was still a bitch to me and said her piece about me being a jerk and standing her ground that having me call her back was the easier way to do things and then sarcasticly apologizing for "interupting my busy schedule". Then she hung up before I could respond. For over a year, even after I found out about her boyfriend I facilitated everything between her and the kids. I encrouraged her to come up more often, to regulate her calls better so they would speak with her, to have them call her when something cool happened. I kept her in the loop on everything about school and activites and always sent her emails with pictures. I didnt get shit from her when the boys were down there, not even a call letting me know what fun places they were going to or anything. She wants to talk to My children then she will be the one to call, I tried going above and beyond to include her, she wasn't interested. PS: Sarah, did you see both myspace messages?