I woke up a little late this morning. Hard getting used to the new shift. Once the kids left I was staying awake until 5am, now with my new shift I am waking up by 4am to be there by 5. It hasn't been an easy move to make. Ill get the hang of it, anyway, I got to work just barely on time. Was a little concerned I would be late, but fortunatly I was not. My day perked up right away, I was placed into Station 1. We commonly describe that station as "Driving the Bus" or just "The Driver" as the person at Station one generally sets the pace for the whole line. This is a station I am still fairly new at, only halfway through my training period for it actually. Got a lot of comments today about how well I am doing though, most of my numbers (including Unit to Error ratio) are way above my co-workers, even some veterans. I am the newest Hire on the shift, but I am way ahead in my training compared to even people who have been there for 8 or 9 months. Anyway, to compare, yesterday one of the Veterans "Drove" the line and there were a few set backs, we ended with around 150 units done for our shift. Kind of low in general. Our Goal is somewhere between 350-450 ussually, for the WHOLE day (both shifts). Our goal today was 450 and I managed to hit 250 on my shift alone, leaving only 200 more units to do to hit our goal by the Night Shift. I felt pretty proud of myself, broke my personal record for the station (which was 220 units). At lunch I spoke with a girl that works at SEL. She and I used to go to High School together. We talked about our kids, her daughter is in the same Daycare and Pre-School class as Tristan. I spoke about my issue with the new shift starting at 6am (5am most of the time for Mandatory Overtime) and my daycare not opening until 7:30am. On the next break she indicates that she called a friend of hers and her friend wants to give me her phone number so I can call her and see if we can work something out. She would watch the kids in the morning and make sure they get on the bus to daycare/school. She would be able to watch them at 4:30am even, so I am covered even on the days I work overtime. This is great! Exactly what I was looking for. Once I got home I realized I forgot to take down the number, so I will have to get it at work tommarow. While I am living with my mom, she will be a big help and could probably watch the boys in the morning and then take them to daycare and school. But I want to get as ready for being a single parent on my own as I can, and the fact is, once I move out and live somewhere else, it won't be convenient to have my kids in Garfield. I love that my mom has been so helpful, and I am tremendously grateful to her for accomadating my boys and I in our time of need. I just need to find a way to not NEED her, so that she can enjoy being a Grandma again and I won't have to rely on her help. Anyway, I got home, gave Nicole a call and left a message letting her know to have the boys give me a call once she had picked them up from Daycare. Anyway, as I said in the title, my day has been ruined. Despite feeling pretty damned good about all of the above.. So I talked to the boys about 40 min. ago.. I am not going to go and re-explain the whole name issue, but suffice to say, Nicole and I are at odds about my oldest son Jadon's Last Name. Legally it is Kentch, but she and I BOTH decided to call him Bishop on October 22nd 2002 when we got Married and Jadon was only 1 year old. We proceeded to call him Jadon Bishop and even made sure people who knew his legal name or had to have his legal name for technical purposes knew to call him Bishop as we BOTH intended on changing it at some point prior to Kindergarten. Well, after she left in March of 2006, by that summer she was militantly against it, explaining she felt it would give me some 'power' over Jadon. So he is, not legally, but in every way a Bishop. He was called Bishop for a Majority of his life and barely even knew the name of Kentch. He went by Bishop for the entire last year that he was up here with me. Now Nicole talked to him and told him not only that he is Kentch and NOT Bishop, but she specifically told him that Daddy was WRONG. I find her selfishness and lack of parental finesse disturbing to say the least. Nicole, if you read my blogs.. Jadon is a Bishop, it is wrong for you to use that against me, WE both decided together that he would be Bishop. You are unneccesarily confusing our children and by the end of our divorce, I assure you, he will be called bishop again, and it WILL be made his Legal name. More importantly, you will agree to it.
Talk about a freaky end to my Birthday. Im sitting here getting ready to shut my computer down when suddenly an extremely bright flash comes through my window and lights my room up. There was no storm or anything and I was convinced that someone had just shot a camera with a bright flash through my window! It freaked me out, I was carefully looking through the window when the sounds of a huge crash started to literally shake the house, it felt like something was just ripping through the building! I realized a couple seconds into the sound that it was a Thunderstorm, and a powerful one at that. I go to check on my mom who was sleeping and she is already out of bed, I rush outside and I see lights popping on all through the neighborhood and other people coming out to see what just shook all of our houses. I watched this storm for another hour and ten minutes before finally deciding to get to bed. It only got worse, or better depending on your outlook on a Thunderstorm. I was enthralled with the beauty of it. There was a Stranger outside my Window, and her name was Mother Nature.
I got to speak with the kids today, and I spoke with them yesterday as well. I haven't spent this much time talking with them since they were by my side in early June. I spoke with Nicole as well, she and I are in a place right now where we are getting along strangly well. Jadon told me she had a blood test today (thought at first I thought he said butt test..). I brought it up with Nicole, she said she thought she waspregnant... but fortunatly she was not. I don't mean to sound heartless or rude when I say that, she agreed with my assessment. Hearing it, though, made me feel very wierd inside, a sadness I think. The people on my new work shift have a tradition for birthdays, they always do something special for lunch on or around the day of that persons birthday. Everyone pitched in a little and they bought 6 pizzas and some pop, once we were all full they gave me the leftovers, which I then donated to the night shift (11 slices left over). It was really cool and though I said thank you several times I also sent them emails at work to thank them again, and I told them it made me feel very welcome to be on my new work shift. They also sang Happy Birthday to me in the middle of the Lunchroom, I blushed a little hehe. Wow, each paragraph is bigger than the last. Not sure how much more I have to say right now, this is my second blog for the day. I guess I would like to say that while a couple of my friends and I have had some rough moments lately, I am thankful and honored to be considered among your friends, and while it may seem that I ask too much some times, I do not ask for more than I think you are able to offer, nor do I ask for less than I would give you of myself in return. I am also thankful to have such a grande and wonderful family. My amazing birthday gifts from my grandmother prompted an interesting line of thought that ran through my head most of today. There was a time when I thought of a connection between our present and our past, in the sense that I have known many of my Great Grandparents, and if any of them knew THEIR Great Grandparents, the Technically I knew someone that had known someone that had lived during and possibly fought in the American Civil War. As interesting as that was, and I still find it fascinating, the line of thought I went down today stretched back to the beginning of humankind (farther really, but lets simplify this). Each of us had an Ancestor, probably many, somewhere in the world that was alive during each major historical event you have ever heard of since the dawn of civilization. Would it not be amazing if you could see who you were truly related to and when? Do I have ancient Family that were Settlers of some distant land? Do my roots draw back to a Seat on the Ancient Roman Senate? Were any of my Ancestors involved in Alexander's invasion of the Persian Empire? All things are possible, for I assure you that your roots as well as mine date back to the very beginning of Human existence. Now, I am not an Adam and Eve kind of guy, but in a very real sense, we are all tied together in a way I have never aknowledged before. Ok, enough is enough, I'll enjoy the rest of my birthday while I can, tommarow is just a normal Thursday. Or is it? My Best Friend's wedding anniversary is tommarow! Every day brings a new horizon for us to watch, witness, and enjoy.
I've got to say, life is much more complicated in person. How do you really know who your friends are? How do you know who really cares? Do our concepts from books, television and fairy tales ruin our outlook on life? Everything is shades of grey, I wish it wasn't though. I wish that I could be valiant Prince Phillip fighting for the life and love of the sleeping Princess. Even love is not what you see in movies. Becoming attracted to and infatuated with someone is the easy part. But loving someone, having them love you.. Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.
-James A. Baldwin Can I be that man that you randomly meet at the top of the empire state building? Can I be the Prince that you have never met that is destined to sweep you off your feet? No, life is not so simple. But life can be so Grande. Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage.
-Lao Tzu As of this moment, I am 27 years old. Im getting divorced, living with my mom, making $9 per hour and alone. But the things I have done, the things I have learned.. I would not trade these things for anything. I have never lived so much as I have in the last year, why? Because I have never fought for my life, for my existence, for my future and my childrens future so vigourously. Looking back on my life of inaction, there were moments, but nothing has so clearly defined me as this last year has. Nothing has propelled me foreward faster as an individual. Ladies and Gentleman, Love is on my mind. Yes, the love of a good woman, but also the love I have for my children. I love looking up quotations, and I have already posted a couple above. Here is another quote about love that I apply to this last years battle for my children: Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
-Erich Fromm All the quotes I have put down so far apply to this. I need my children because I love them and without that love I would not have had the strength and courage to accomplish what I have accomplished. I would not have grown as much as I have grown. Things can be rough though. How can you know someone truly cares for you? You can't. But know in me that I do not say such things lightly, nor can I take those feelings back despite where life may take us. Take Nicole for instance, I hate this situation were are in, and I lay a lot of bad feelings and blame at her feet, but I still care about her. She is the mother of my children, a place of significance in my life. Part of me will always care about her, part of me will always think about her best interest, albiet after I think of the Childrens. Some things are not meant to be, but other things are just not ready to happen. Yes, in my heart I feel that I am Prince Phillip, ready to slay the Dragon Sorcerous in order to clear the path to love. But my mind sees the shades of Grey. There is never one true love, but many possabilities. I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone.
-Javan I'll make do with what I have in my heart, and struggle through my journey and grow and love and live. I'll leave you with my favorite quote. Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb. Sir Winston Churchill British politician (1874 - 1965)
I think the center of all my anger and frustration right now is that I feel like I am in limbo. A couple weeks ago a friend of mine sent me an email that kind of woke me up to how insensitive I was being towards those that are close to me. The world doesn't revolve around me and my problems, but its become so easy to get lost in my own little world. There are a couple people at work that I talk to, but not really. I've been going up to visit Russ nearly every weekend. But besides that, I've been nearly comepletely alone since the boys left. Too much time to think. Before now it really felt like this whole summer visit down in Phoenix was just starting, felt like it would never end. I've been in reasonably decent spirits since Tuesday, that was the day this summer trip was half over. Now I really feel like I am counting down until I get them back. I am trying to set up plans with my sister-in-law to get all our kids together the weekend after the boys get back. We might plan a trip to the Pacific Science Center in Seattle, or the Aquarium. A fun family outing with the cousins together. I think I got most things taken care of, next week when I start working the dayshift I will go over everything and make sure things are set and ready to go. Just a couple things left to do I believe. My Grandma is fixing me a birthday dinner this Saturday, my Birthday is on Wednesday, I will be 27! Then the weekend after my Birthday I am taking a day off and going up to Coeur d'Alene for the weekend. Should be lots of fun, but I would rather just have my boys with me. That would be a happy birthday. I just checked out my Credit Reports. My debt is about what I expected, though my Student Loans were far worse than I knew, it is kind of troubling to think about. I am looking into getting this all taken care of though, it will be a long process, years, but I need to start sometime. I wish I wasn't so emotional, and touchy. Anytime something makes me feel bad I flip out and over-react. Its starting to become ridiculous and people are calling me out on it. Well, anyway. I better get to bed.
In all but where Fatherhood is concerned, my life is meaningless and without direction. This sounds like a sad story, but I do not intend for it to. I am not feeling down on my luck or depressed, but merely stating a fact about my life. I believe that this is the state many Americans are in; the worst part is, and I include myself in this, is that we teach our children to live the same meaningless lives that serve no greater purpose.
Who are we as a people? The things that made us a Great nation, a nation to live and die for, a nation of free peoples, these things are in jeopardy. Or are they already gone? Do we delude ourselves so much that we are completely unaware that we no longer exist as the nation our forefathers intended.
As a child, my family was not very politically minded. I did not often hear talk or news about the state of our country or the state of the world. During the Gulf War I got a slight glimpse into the World around me and I pushed it aside. My singular life too important for me to worry about the affairs of others. But something I have come to realize, through my selfish eyes I did not see that it is not the 'affairs of others' but the 'affairs of all'.
I am 26 years old; I will be 27 in two weeks. Officially today is the 5th of July, but when I awoke it was the 4th of July. Independence Day. I see nothing to celebrate now; July 4th should be a day of mourning. Instead of the Great Nation we founded so many years ago, we have given up our freedoms for the perception of happiness. We have given up our freedoms and we have stopped being Great. Now, yes, we are the richest and most powerful nation in the world; at what cost? A man my age signed the Declaration of Independence; I am 26, and I, like all Americans, have signed my freedom away for the perception of safety and the perception of happiness.
Americans are not rich, Americans are not powerful; our Government is, and our people are no longer represented, our people are no longer the government. It has become a separate body, a corporate entity that controls us. We have become merely a source of wealth and power. We are hated around the globe, our Government understands why, but our people, those who I would call our Nation, have never understood this.
I am rambling. Who am I to speak of freedom, who am I to speak of government. I am no one. The voice I was given by our forefathers, the voice we were all given, is gone. Or we believe it is. Perhaps, deep down inside of us, we will find that voice again, hopefully before it is too late.
I doubt you're wondering where all of this is coming from. If I had posted a story like this 8 or 9 years ago people would think I was just being crazy. Specifically though, I have read 3 articles recently that have put this to the forefront of my mind to the point that I felt I needed to at least say my piece.
Thesecond articleis actually an excerpt from a book titled "One is a Crowd" written by Frank Chodorov. The book was published in 1952, the excerpt rings more true today than in any other time period thus far. The last article I want to bring up is from an MSNBC Anchor named Keith Olbermann. This is the longest and most powerful of the three articles. This is an article about howBush has failed as our Presidentand what he or we should do about it. Please read these articles, post your own thoughts. I do not know what I can do except go on living my life. The best I can do now is investigate how I am raising my children and focus on showing them the true meaning of what being an American is. In that case, I truly hope I understand what that means to me.
Die Hard was fricken awesome. We all loved it, I think six of us ended up all going together, and the theater was packed so we had to split up a bit. As much as I love a good action movie like this, I am pretty much down with any movie. I can tell the difference between a high quality movie and a low quality one, but what some people consider bad I just consider entertaining in a different way. Its a very short list of movies I don't like, then I classify movies as 'good to see once'. Its like with Horror movies, everything is made for a purpose (I mean other than money). Simply put, a horror movie is meant to frighten you. Thats thrilling to some and not to others, but regardless of who likes Horror movies, in a world without fear there would also be no bravery or heroism. Just an example though. The anniversary was nice, 50 years is a long time. I hope I can find the right person to experience an event like that with someday. Nicole and I weren't meant for it, Im pretty stubborn though, I probably would have stuck it out. It's better this way for sure, give us both the opprotunity to be happy, and if we can both find it, that will hopefully be best for the kids too. I mean, Nicole and I really only got married because I wanted to be Jadon's father, and because we got pregnant, we were both very young. I'm a commitment kind of guy though, I've heard most men aren't like that. But then again, not having a lot of men in my life growing up, I guess I kind of grew up with my Mom and Grandma and Great Grandma's ideas of men. I do have my Grandpa, and he has always been a great example. I know how to be a father, and I feel like I could be an excellent husband, but I want to be the boyfriend first this time, take things slow but always take them foreward. Went out to the Lake House for my cousin Hollee's 13th birthday, knocked russ down into the lake, and helped him toss Hollee in for her birthday swim. :-) Then we went back to his store and worked on some painting, got a little bit done, we were mostly talking though. Anyway, its very late and I'm rambling on. PS: I really like both Smashing Pumpkins songs Ive heard so far, so I went ahead and pre-ordered the album. I don't do that very often, but I am really hoping for the best. PPS: Just another update, I didn't get a message back from the girl I messaged on facebook. Like I said, I wasn't expecting one, but the thought of setting myself up on a little blind date or something was interesting to me. I don't meet a lot of girls that I would want to ask out, so I was suprised to happen upon one while searching facebook so haphazerdly. (Jason Out)