Wednesday, June 20, 2007

The Search Continues

I think my brother Kyle is on MySpace, his account is set to private and only people on his friend's list can send him messages. So that didn't help too much, I did send a friend request, but it made me question just how much my brother might know about me. He and I have only met face to face one time, and I doubt very much he remembers it. He was 1 and I think I was about 13 or so. We spoke on the phone briefly a couple years ago, I imagine he was probably 12 at the time. He knows I exist, and he probably remembers my name, at least my first name. I don't know if I emailed them any pictures or not, so I doubt he knows what I look like.

Anyway, I could end this really quick. It is not very hard to find my dad online and as long as the information is current, then I have his address and phone number. I am hesitant about this though, I would like to meet my dad again, possibly know him, but that feels complicated to me. Part of me would feel more comfortable talking to my brother and sister's mother Lisa and getting in touch with them through her. I've met her on two occasions, the first time I was probably 9 or 10 years old, not sure exactly, maybe a little younger. I feintly remember that she was pregnant with Shawna at the time. Then we met again when I came to visit at the age of 13, Shawna was 4 and Kyle was 1. She gave me some Piers Anthony books which I still have, they were very good and I went on to read some of his other work as well.

Anyway, the point is, I am not sure if I want to reach out to my dad. The word that comes to mind, and I already said it above, is hesitation. I am not sure I am comfortable with that situation, I feel that if he wanted to be a part of my life, as a child or as an adult, he would be already. That doesn't mean its not still an option, but that is not my concern right now.

Right now, what I am concerned with is my siblings. I am an only child, or that is how I have been raised at least. But in the context of the bigger picture, I do have two siblings and as the eldest and as an adult, I feel as though I have already missed too many opprotunities to bring us together. I can't be cheesy and say that I want us to be 'a family', but I want us to know each other and really start to communicate and stay in touch, maybe get together on occasion. This at the very least.

Then again, perhaps I am taking too much onto my plate right now. This is the summer of change for me, last summer was hell and really the precursor to what is coming. A new life is ahead of me, a great life. Right now I am in the middle of a divorce and I just recently won a great victory towards being the primary caretaker of my children. I've started a new job and I am turning myself around financially, I have yet to gain my own two feet though. I have so many worries that at times I feel as though I am going to collapse under it all. Sometimes I feel as though I can handle anything, it is those times that I am most weakest though. I am strongest when I feel beaten, down trodden and question myself. Those are the times when I find my true self buried beneath the depths, those are the times that I stand up and shake my fist at the sky and yell with all of my heart and soul that I will never give up, I will never give in. It is in those times that I inspire myself to take steps foreward, those are the times that I trudge across 10 miles from work to home out of pure stubborness. As defeated as I feel at times, it is my stubborn resistance to actual defeat which defines me. Though I have heard from at least 2 people lately that I can be annoying at times :-P.

In other words, even with so much going on already, this feels like the right time to finally get in touch, and stay in touch with my brother and sister. It is important to me, and I feel it is a dis-service to all involved if I put it off any longer.

Also, on an entirely unrelared topic, I just watched the season finale of the sopranos (Season 1), awesome! :-) Ill watch the rest of Season 1 of Dead Like Me tonight probably.

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