Tuesday, June 12, 2007


I didn't want to come home tonight. My kids aren't here anymore, they are 1500 miles away from me. I feel like my heart was ripped from my chest and then shipped off to another world.

I don't hear my little boy Tristan snoring in their room, I haven't heard the pitter patter of tiny feet rushing off to the restroom in the middle of the night. I looked into their empty beds, my children are gone...

How much trust is a man supposed to have, how much? How much can I have? They're my children, and this situation, this risk that they have to be placed under.. I've been told a lot lately that I am too controlling, too 'bull-headed' as it was put. Sure, I understand. I am responsible for the well being of my children and their futures no matter where they are or who they are with. Yet despite that, I have no choice but to throw them to the wolves in this situation. Send them to Phoenix where their mother is going to work against how I raise them, send them to Phoenix where Nicole going to spoil them and try to buy their love, send them to Phoenix where I can't protect them, or remind them how to protect them selves.

God I miss my boys. Nicole hasn't even bothered to tell me how thier first full day went, and how their new daycare was. She never bothered to call me back, despite the message I left or the 3 other calls I made. I am not going to try to talk to the kids as much as she did, but I expect her to be an adult and let me know how things are going. They are my freakin children for christ sake, I have already asked her more questions and shown more concern for my boys in the last 3 days then she has shown them in the last year. Why do I have to give them to her, she is nothing but an emotional vulture and she will only cause them pain. She is a good person and loves the boys so much, but she has too many issues, she hasn't shown even the slightest capability in putting them before herself, she has chosen herself first every time. I can't have that, i cant allow it. But I have no choice, why though? Why don't I have a choice? Why should I have to comprimose when the stakes are so High? AHHHGHGHHGHGH I just want to howl at the fucking moon!? I could do this all night.

Ok Ok, I admit it, I am bull-headed, but just a little ;-)

I miss them so much, and I am so worried about them. They are such good boys. Why do their beds have to be so empty? I came home and didn't see any clothes lying across the floor in a trail, no toys had moved, no new drawings on the fridge. I hear no laughter, I comfort no tears, there are no questions for me to answer. They are really gone. I just want to hold them, hug them and kiss them, tell them how much I love them.

Well, I laid out the trip as I thought it would be and now its time to tell you how it was. I got off work Friday night at 11pm, got home by midnight (got gas and some energy drinks first), I got home and I could barely sleep (no no, the energy drinks were for the morning, I hadn't had any yet). I think I got maybe 2 hours of sleep tops before my alarm went off at 5am. So when my 2nd alarm went off at 5:30 I got up and finished getting ready to go. The boys and I left the house by 6am. We drove up to CDA to pick up Russ and we left his place by 8:15am or so.

Montana was freakin beautiful, we could't even believe how amazing it was. I hadn't been through Montana at all yet, so that's one more state I have been to lol. The boys had a rough time, we made frequent stops and let the boys play for a bit when we stopped for lunch and one other time. It was kind of uncanny, Nicole arrived at the McDonalds in Salt Lake City just 10 min. before we arrived there, we both left our houses at about the same time and made different stops and so on and somehow managed to arrive dead center at the same time. Crazy.

It was so hard, I didn't want to give them to her. But I didn't have a choice, although I should have had one (whoa now, can't get back on that subject, reference bull-headedness in the above paragraphs).

The trip back home sucked, we decided to try and just head strait back and nether of us were in the shape for it. Esspecially me, with barely any sleep and having just given my children back to their mother, I was totally f'ed up. We ended up stopping and sleeping sporadically, but we still got back to his place in CDA by 9am Sunday morning. 25 hour drive, not too bad. I spent a bit less on gas than I had budgeted for, which is good.

I think I said this in a previous entry, but my friend Russ's loan came through and he will own his own business as of.. well, right now I guess. We'll just say that when he unlocks the doors later today, it will be the beginning of a new chapter in his life and his families. Anyway, the reason I bring it up again is because he and I went out drinking Sunday night, we went with his friend Bob (the guy he is buying the store from) and Bob's friend Monty. It was a good night, I got a little drunk, but not too much. I made the mistake of having Tequila again, I almost gagged, after the last time I think I need a break from that drink. This guy Monty was really cool, hand't met a guy as cool as him for awhile. He paid me some great compliments and I hope that I deserve them, I hope that I can live up to them.

I do things, and I make choices and people don't always seem to understand where I am coming from. I am a severe procrasinator, no denying that, but I will get done what needs to get done. People are shocked when I tell them that I had breakfast with my Ex and her boyfriend just to help my kids feel more comfortable with the new situation. People think I am crazy at first when I talk about how Nicole's boyfriend needs to be a good person, and how i hope he will be a good influence on the boys. As much as I want to hate him, I have no choices, so I figure, he better be a good guy and he better be good to my kids. Those are just two examples. My best friend constantly damns me for how strictly I try to adhere to a set of principles that he thinks are stange and severly outdated.

Jadon and Tristan had been there only half a day when I talked to them Sunday afternoon. They seemed happy and safe, but it about broke my heart when Jadon asked me when I am going to be picking them up... :-(

I have a lot more to say, but I am going to save it. I am very tired and need to sleep a bit. Got to get up early and meet up with an old friend of mine, then hopefully get to the Rec Center and get about an hours worth of time in. Need some rest for that!

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