Thursday, May 17, 2007

Ok, Now Im Pissed

Great News! On Friday May 11th, Nicole and I came to a temporary agreement with our lawyers that makes me the Primary Custodial Parent! It's not quite over, there is a trial to determine the final orders in September, but I am confident that I will remain their primary caretaker.

The reason for the subject title is because I just found out how much she is going to be paying for child care. It freakin EQUALS the amount she brings home in a month and I am going to have to pay her almost half of it, which will encompass an entire paycheck. I think this is ridiculous as she is obviously not going to be able to afford that amount, her boyfriend pays for everything and its going to screw me over big time.

My personal life, for the most part, has been 'drama-less' until this last year. I guess karma is working against me, I avoided personal drama most of my life, and now I am getting the lions share of it. Which is to say that on top of this whole divorce thing, custody thing, daycare thing, and my financial issues with trying to figure out how I am going to afford to be a single dad... on top of all that I add the female issue.

The woman in question is amazing, I have never felt for anyone the way I feel about her. We became friends late last year, and we got to be pretty close, though we remained friends. The main thing that kept me away is that she has a boyfriend, which makes her unavailable. On top of that, I didn't feel ready, I wasn't ready in fact.

But then one day we get a little too close and we end up kissing, soon after we both acknowledge that we have feelings for each other. She decides she wants to stay with her boyfriend, and soon after that our friendship is pretty much over.

We have tried to maintain a friendship, but it has been difficult. She and her boyfriend are moving away, which I guess will make things easier for me to come to terms with. I think that part of her wants to be with me, but I just don't know what she wants anymore. Only what she is doing.

Even if she and I wanted to stay in contact, I doubt her boyfriend would allow it. Which I completely understand, but at the same time that means that I will possibly never communicate with her again. Thats not what I want, in fact, that is the complete opposite of what I want.

What I want is for her to leave her boyfriend and stay here and date me. I feel bad that we kissed, because she did have a boyfriend and we should have been more careful. In fact, maybe once I knew I had feelings for her I should have just stopped seeing her at that time.

The worst part of all of this is that my kids got to know her as well and they got a little attached. Even though they are barely ever seeing her right now (maybe once a week or less for the past 3 weeks), they still talk to me about her.

I guess I am saying that I wish she felt the same about me as I feel about her, and I wish she wanted the same things in life that I want. The same things that I am striving for. At first I thought she did, but I am not quite as sure about that now.

No comments:

Post a Comment