Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Countdown to a New Life

It's early in the morning, too early for some. For me, I suppose, it is actually late at night. Far too late at night, as I can see the light of dawn begin to encompass Garfield.

So many things are coming to an end in my life, endings that promise new beginnings to a brighter future. My marriage is over; finalizing that in court is merely a formality now. I have won my children, though my time with them grows short.

I count every moment I have with them now, I count down until they are gone. I fear the time they will spend in Phoenix, for I will not be there to protect them, to guide them, to lead them or to show them my love. But I love them still; my heart will be with them no matter where they go.

Why do I torture myself? They will return to me, safely I trust, in just a few short months. Why then do these months, which have not even begun yet, feel like a lifetime? How tall will my boys be when they return, what new words will they have to share? What will their little eyes see and their little hands touch? When they speak with me on the phone, will they tell me how much they love me? Will they listen when I tell them how much I love them? Will they be safe? Why must I put my children in a situation where I must ask that question?

I am a fairly mellow person, but at the same time, I am not. I merely seem balanced. I am overly full of hope, and yet at the same time, so completely consumed by my own dread. My time as a single child, with little to no friendships, anger issues, school issues, I am a stronger person, but I am also critical of myself beyond measure.

I have always found a way to make even the most horrible of things into inspiration for change. I would say 'improvements' instead of change, but that seems to be a matter of perspective. The key is courage, sometimes I find surprisingly easy to come by, yet often find myself without. Though I could not explain exactly what I mean by that, except that I am my own worst enemy, especially in the pursuits of the heart.

Should I be counting the days until my children leave for the summer (11)? Or should I be counting the days until their return? The glass is well more than half full for me, it is actually 10/12 full, which would be 5/6, but you can see what I am getting at better without the simplification. Sure, I will have the boys for 10 out of 12 months of the year, but that does not make those two months any easier to bear.

I got to see the new Pirates movie, I thought it was awesome. The wedding scene in particular was a ton of fun, though I would expect that if I have a wedding it will be at least slightly more traditional than the one in the movie.

I hope to get married some day; I can only imagine difficulty and pain in the process though. I am beginning to think that perhaps it is best to just be alone and raise my boys. Women are strange creatures to me; they bring me far more pain than anything I have experienced in life. I could not even begin to understand such wild and untamable creatures, though I love and desire them no less for it.

Even now, my heart pushes me. A woman, constantly in my thoughts and hopes. It is time for me to distance my heart and mind, time for me to take the hint and back away. Time for me to say goodbye, even if it is only a whisper across the wind. Time for me to look on in my life, as if she were already forgotten. I am but a man, strong in many way, but weak in many others.

I don't believe either of us handled the end well, and I wish that, at the very least, I knew and understood her thoughts. Already it is clear that I will never speak with, or see, her again. This saddens me; I've lost my Tennis partner, my Friend. I don't see any other way it could have ended though; the way I had hoped it would be does not even seem possible.

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