Thursday, May 31, 2007

She is Pissing me Off

OMG Nicole is starting to piss me off. She is still refusing to agree to Jadon's name change and she is still NOT GIVING ANY GOD DAMNED REASON WHY. Like she even has a good reason other than to screw with me.

She doesn't respond to any of the NUMEROUS GOOD REASONS that I have to change his name, the #1 being that she and I have BOTH told him that his name is Bishop for the last 4 freakin years of his life. Why the fuck would anyone knowingly confuse thier own child about his identity right as he is about to enter public school...

I am about ready to pop a freakin vein here.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Countdown to a New Life

It's early in the morning, too early for some. For me, I suppose, it is actually late at night. Far too late at night, as I can see the light of dawn begin to encompass Garfield.

So many things are coming to an end in my life, endings that promise new beginnings to a brighter future. My marriage is over; finalizing that in court is merely a formality now. I have won my children, though my time with them grows short.

I count every moment I have with them now, I count down until they are gone. I fear the time they will spend in Phoenix, for I will not be there to protect them, to guide them, to lead them or to show them my love. But I love them still; my heart will be with them no matter where they go.

Why do I torture myself? They will return to me, safely I trust, in just a few short months. Why then do these months, which have not even begun yet, feel like a lifetime? How tall will my boys be when they return, what new words will they have to share? What will their little eyes see and their little hands touch? When they speak with me on the phone, will they tell me how much they love me? Will they listen when I tell them how much I love them? Will they be safe? Why must I put my children in a situation where I must ask that question?

I am a fairly mellow person, but at the same time, I am not. I merely seem balanced. I am overly full of hope, and yet at the same time, so completely consumed by my own dread. My time as a single child, with little to no friendships, anger issues, school issues, I am a stronger person, but I am also critical of myself beyond measure.

I have always found a way to make even the most horrible of things into inspiration for change. I would say 'improvements' instead of change, but that seems to be a matter of perspective. The key is courage, sometimes I find surprisingly easy to come by, yet often find myself without. Though I could not explain exactly what I mean by that, except that I am my own worst enemy, especially in the pursuits of the heart.

Should I be counting the days until my children leave for the summer (11)? Or should I be counting the days until their return? The glass is well more than half full for me, it is actually 10/12 full, which would be 5/6, but you can see what I am getting at better without the simplification. Sure, I will have the boys for 10 out of 12 months of the year, but that does not make those two months any easier to bear.

I got to see the new Pirates movie, I thought it was awesome. The wedding scene in particular was a ton of fun, though I would expect that if I have a wedding it will be at least slightly more traditional than the one in the movie.

I hope to get married some day; I can only imagine difficulty and pain in the process though. I am beginning to think that perhaps it is best to just be alone and raise my boys. Women are strange creatures to me; they bring me far more pain than anything I have experienced in life. I could not even begin to understand such wild and untamable creatures, though I love and desire them no less for it.

Even now, my heart pushes me. A woman, constantly in my thoughts and hopes. It is time for me to distance my heart and mind, time for me to take the hint and back away. Time for me to say goodbye, even if it is only a whisper across the wind. Time for me to look on in my life, as if she were already forgotten. I am but a man, strong in many way, but weak in many others.

I don't believe either of us handled the end well, and I wish that, at the very least, I knew and understood her thoughts. Already it is clear that I will never speak with, or see, her again. This saddens me; I've lost my Tennis partner, my Friend. I don't see any other way it could have ended though; the way I had hoped it would be does not even seem possible.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Memorial Day Weekend!

Memorial Day Weekend! This is going to be awesome! My first paid vacation off from SEL!

I was planning on going up to visit my friend Russ in Coeur d'Alene all weekend long, but it turns out my cousin Tiff and her two daughters are going to be down at my Grandma's house on Saturday.

So I'm going to take my boys down to spend some time with her, she and I haven't seen much of each other the past couple of years, but while growing up she felt more like a sister to me than a cousin.

Watching her daughter Ana and Tristan play with each other always reminds me of the pictures of Tiff and I playing with each other as little kids. They are like little clones of us!

So either on Saturday night or Sunday morning I will head up to CDA and stay there probably until Monday evening.

I only have two weekends left with my boys before Nicole gets them, I'm going to miss them soooo much! It scares me that they will be so far away again, and for so long a time.

Growing to accept something and actually wanting something to happen are so very different. So many things have happened in the last few months that I wanted to happen, but an equal amount of things have happened that I will just have to accept.

I'm super excited to pass on some of the clothes I have in my car to Malachi. Some of it isn't good anymore, but they might find a use for it. There is a lot of stuff that I LOVED to put the boys in, and quite a bit of stuff that is in decent to great condition. There are a few things that have been passed down through both my nephews Isaiah and Elijah, and then worn by both my boys Jadon and Tristan, and they are still in great condition.

Pan's Labirinth is out, I really want to watch it. Money is so tight right now though, I barely spend anything on myself. Kind of the reason behind my push to make my own lunches more often for work.

Well, I am going to go get the boys ready for daycare and make some lunch. I hope everyone has a great Memorial Day Weekend.

Remember, it is not too late to change the course of your life, but to those friends that I may never see again, I wish you a fond farewell.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Ok, Now Im Pissed

Great News! On Friday May 11th, Nicole and I came to a temporary agreement with our lawyers that makes me the Primary Custodial Parent! It's not quite over, there is a trial to determine the final orders in September, but I am confident that I will remain their primary caretaker.

The reason for the subject title is because I just found out how much she is going to be paying for child care. It freakin EQUALS the amount she brings home in a month and I am going to have to pay her almost half of it, which will encompass an entire paycheck. I think this is ridiculous as she is obviously not going to be able to afford that amount, her boyfriend pays for everything and its going to screw me over big time.

My personal life, for the most part, has been 'drama-less' until this last year. I guess karma is working against me, I avoided personal drama most of my life, and now I am getting the lions share of it. Which is to say that on top of this whole divorce thing, custody thing, daycare thing, and my financial issues with trying to figure out how I am going to afford to be a single dad... on top of all that I add the female issue.

The woman in question is amazing, I have never felt for anyone the way I feel about her. We became friends late last year, and we got to be pretty close, though we remained friends. The main thing that kept me away is that she has a boyfriend, which makes her unavailable. On top of that, I didn't feel ready, I wasn't ready in fact.

But then one day we get a little too close and we end up kissing, soon after we both acknowledge that we have feelings for each other. She decides she wants to stay with her boyfriend, and soon after that our friendship is pretty much over.

We have tried to maintain a friendship, but it has been difficult. She and her boyfriend are moving away, which I guess will make things easier for me to come to terms with. I think that part of her wants to be with me, but I just don't know what she wants anymore. Only what she is doing.

Even if she and I wanted to stay in contact, I doubt her boyfriend would allow it. Which I completely understand, but at the same time that means that I will possibly never communicate with her again. Thats not what I want, in fact, that is the complete opposite of what I want.

What I want is for her to leave her boyfriend and stay here and date me. I feel bad that we kissed, because she did have a boyfriend and we should have been more careful. In fact, maybe once I knew I had feelings for her I should have just stopped seeing her at that time.

The worst part of all of this is that my kids got to know her as well and they got a little attached. Even though they are barely ever seeing her right now (maybe once a week or less for the past 3 weeks), they still talk to me about her.

I guess I am saying that I wish she felt the same about me as I feel about her, and I wish she wanted the same things in life that I want. The same things that I am striving for. At first I thought she did, but I am not quite as sure about that now.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007


Oh my god, I feel like Im going to be sick right now. Nicole's lawyer finally filed stuff on Friday, I will get to take a look at it tommarow before work. Beth said it was quite a stack of papers.

Ahh, I feel so nervous right now, Nicole is going to be here in 3 nights, and its confirmed, Eric is coming too.

I just feel like starting to run and never stopping, just running around in a circle and screaming at the top of my lungs. I feel like crying. This is going to be a bad week, a very bad week.

Monday, May 7, 2007

4 more days until...

I had a nice laid back weekend, but time was still counting down until the hearing.

Yesterday the boys and I just sat back and watched movies and I read a lot of books to them. We had snack foods and pizza. They LOVED the movie Short Circuit.

Today we went down to my Grandma's house and all of us drove out to the golf course my uncle works at now. It was a good day.

The new book I am reading (The Afghan Campaign by Steven Pressfield) is really really good. It is about Alexander The Great's three year campaign in the region that is now Afghanistan.

I have, just this weekend, finally decided which story I want to use in the Novel I am going to begin writing this summer. It is one of the first stories I wrote down, once I started keeping notes about my ideas 6 or 7 years ago.

I can't say too much, as I haven't even started yet, but I am glad I sat on it for so long. I have so many more ideas to use in it now and I think it will be much better than the original concept.

Im definatly not starting until all of this is over with though. Life is weighing down on me hard lately, my future has never seemed so shrouded in mystery before. I need a positive judgement this friday, I need to raise my children, I need to get out on my own again. On top of all of that, I wish I could just be with the person I want to be with, life threw me a curveball with that one.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

A Lot

Wow, I haven't posted a blog since February? Amazing. I thought I was starting to be fairly regular with it. A ton has happened since then too.

I started using Facebook quite a bit, so that may have something to do with my lack of blogging. I actually started playing Tennis. We played several times, but overall we were not able to make it 'regular'.

My tennis partner Sarah and I got pretty close, too close actually (considering our situations), and it has ruined our friendship. I mean, I don't consider it entirely in ruin and I hope to retain her as an Internet friend if possible. She is moving away soon, so any actual issues we have will be irrelevant.

Due to the extreme nature of the arguments between Nicole and I, and the content of those arguments, I got scared that she might try to take one or both the kids when she came to visit in late March. So I finally filed for Divorce and I filed a restraining order preventing her from taking the boys out of the state (technically I think she was also legally restrained from taking Me out of the state, the wording on those is kind of tricky LOL).

Once we got to court for the restraining order we dropped it for just a simple court order to keep the boys here until the end of School.

But Suprise Suprise, preschool is out a MONTH before the regular school year.

We have a hearing on May 11th that will determine what the parenting plan and child support for the rest of the divorce will be, up until the final decisions are in place. But also being decided that day is something very important. Something that, in my mind, has become the single most important thing to ever happen to me. The judge will determine if I have any legal parantal rights to my oldest Son Jadon. I have been his father since he was 8 months old and we are trying to prove that I meet all of the requirements for a certain lawful precendence that was set in a similar situation.

8 days until that hearing, and at times I snap under the strain of thinking of all the things that could go wrong. I've very nearly had two anxiety attacks at work in the last week alone. But for the most part I am keeping it together. I dont have someone I can talk to about this now that Sarah and I can't be close. Maybe that is why I feel the need to blog again, I don't know. Now that it is set to Private, only my friend's can see it so I feel safer in what I can say.

Speaking of work (yes I mentioned it up there somewhere) I HAVE A NEW JOB!!!

I got a job about a month ago at Schweitzer Engineering Laboratories (its a mouthful, but I will be calling it either just Schweitzer or SEL in the future). I am super excited about it, it has a TON of great benefits that will help the boys and I, it is a good opprotunity for us as a family. The pay is not entirely exciting, but I will make it be enough.

I am sure there is a ton of stuff I am not saying, but it will come to me, hopefully I will make these regular again. I think I have to, to keep myself sane (and informed about my everymove, he is a tricky man, but I will keep an eye on him(me) for you)


Also, I updated the survey on my MySpace profile. Some of the information was out of date.