Friday, July 7, 2017

Fucked up for real

I feel like I really need to blog tonight. Thoughts and feelings are gushing out of me like an open wound and I need to set all my thoughts straight.

The past 16 months or so have been really fucked up, hardest I've ever dealt with. Don't get me wrong, there been lots of happiness and goodness too, that's what gets me through it.

To summarize some of the good things, we set a date for our wedding, January 16th, 2016. A week or two before that date we found out we were pregnant, which is something we had been trying for. Grayson Burke Bishop was born on August 18th, 2016 and he is very healthy, developing well and he is just amazing.

To summarize some of the bad things, for most of the pregnancy we had to deal with a fairly serious bought of pre-eclampsia, several moments where we almost had to make the call to airlift to spokane for an emergency birth, when he finally came he didn't get into position well enough and we had to an unplanned C-Section, that went well until a very severe infection kept Tawni, the baby and I in the hospital for the first 4 weeks of his life. The struggles we went through to sustain her milk production during that time. Shortly after bringing my wife and son home, our younger teenage son started lying to us about having a girlfriend, we found out they were doing inappropriate things on school property and he was lying a lot, we discovered they were planning on having sex and we shut the whole thing down. Then our oldest son flipped out because he was having trouble with his grades, he started spending 4 hours a day talking to his mom and basically withdrew from our family. Then my step dad developed cancer, which has been causing a lot of issues with his epilepsy including multiple seizures, including one causing a fracture in his L1 vertebrae. Then, on a normal trip to their grandmas house, our eldest did something very inappropriate and hurtful, it caused him to be so ashamed of himself that he attempted to commit suicide later that day. As a result, he is now living with him mom in Phoenix.

And that's just the shit I remember.

To start from the beginning. Things were going really well, our wedding was amazing and everyone was very excited that we had a new addition to our family on the way. Due to the pre-eclampsia Tawni had to stop working much earlier than planned, which put is into a bind. You can read more about that whole story at our gofundme page where we attempted to ask for financial assistance. It was very difficult to re-live it as we wrote it all out, so I don't plan on going through it all again here.

https://www.gofundme.com/bishopfamilyhelp

Fast forward to after we brought the baby home, the summary above talks about the situation with our younger teenage son. Its as simple as I described there, we found a lot of really inappropriate conversations on his phone, we contacted her dad and the school, took his phone and grounded him for an extensive amount of time. We talked to him a lot about what the results of his actions could have been and one of the things that really seemed to drive home is when we told him that the way he and this girl were talking to each other isn't something we had ever done with each other before.

He was partially grounded for several months, we slowly let him earn privileges back, saving things that were part of the problem for last, like hanging out with his friends and finally giving him his phone back. Ofcourse he only had it for 1-2 days before we caught him with a secret Snapchat account with an inappropriate name. So he lost it again for awhile. Overall we feel like we handled this situation well, it all seemed to get through to him and overall his behavior improved a lot.

For our eldest son's grades situation, we had a rule in place that you get partially grounded if any of your grades are below a B-, but the partial grounding would be lifted as soon as you raised your grade. We did this assessment once per week. In 8th grade this drove him to keep on top of his grades, he would sometimes be partially grounded for his grades, but he was highly motivated to get them fixed and would usually have it lifted within a day or two. So we felt like this rule was working. The main goal was for them to be encouraged and motivated to know what their grades were and keep up on doing everything they can do to keep them up. This is also paired with getting paid for grades at the end of each semester ($25 for each A and $10 for each B, nothing for C or D and if you have any Fs, you get nothing).

Heading into Freshman year, he struggled, it got him into a situation where the rule basically kept him grounded for quite a long time, but instead of talking to us about how he was feeling, he talked to him mom, more and more. He stopped hanging out with anyone, he was always late for dinner, he was always angry, he was spending several hours a day talking with his mom. Kept talking about how much he hated it here and how much he wanted to live with him mom. Talked about how he would drop out of high school as soon as he turned 18 so he could move down to live with him mom.

Finally one day it all blew up and he while he was flipping out we finally started getting information from him and realized what was causing all of this. We altered the rule to provide the same level of encouragement and accountability, but not cause him to be perpetually grounded all the time and his mood changed completely. He knows from prior experience that we are willing to change rules and improve them if they aren't having the right effect, he apologized for not talking to us sooner, and realized we would have changed the rule much sooner if we had known it was causing him to feel this way.

After that things started feeling like they were finally improving. All four of the kids seemed to be doing really well. Everyone was getting happier, grades were going up and the baby and my wife were very healthy.

Then on a trip to grandmas house it all came crashing down. Our eldest son did something inappropriate. I'm not going to go into any details here, but it was bad, but not against the law. We brought him home right away to talk about it, he was clearly nervous, we had him go to his room for a couple of minutes so that we could talk before bringing him up.

When he came up he was acting nervous. At first he didn't want to sit down, I convinced him to but all he did was lower himself to the ground, but stay on his feet. He was keeping his hands in his back pockets for some reason, I called it out and he said he just wanted to keep them there. I didn't even suspect what had happened.

He very quickly admitted to what he had done, a good start I thought. Unfortunately he very quickly said he had a solution, he said he thought it was best to kill himself. We were shocked, I can't possibly describe to you the thoughts and feelings running through my head during this conversation. We tried to appeal to him from many different angles, bright future, friends, family that will miss him, all the things he would accomplish, future wives and girlfriends, children, grand children. The conversation went on for a good 20-30 minutes, but he never let go of suicide being the only solution.

He got nervous and stood up, so I stood up with him, ready for anything. At this point I was very nervous for him, and very nervous to have the baby and Tawni in the room, not really feeling like I knew what he was going to do next. I got him to sit down on the couch, still keeping his hands in his back pockets for some reason.

I felt like at times I had convinced him that this wasn't the answer, I felt like I could see in his eyes that he was convinced a few times, but he remained adamant, which confused me. Finally it came to the point where I told him very frankly that if I couldn't talk him out of this, then I would need to involve the police.

Tawni ran to the bedroom with the baby and dialed 911, Jadon jumped up and started screaming the F word, I didnt want to hurt him and I didn't want him to leave, so I jumped onto him on the couch to hold him down, he got a good kick into my stomach during the stuggle. He is stronger than me though, so I had to let him go, or else one of us was really going to get hurt. When I jumped on him his hands finally came out of his pockets and to my horror I saw that he had already cut both his wrists multiple times and he had been hiding it by keeping his hands in his pockets. I screamed to Tawni that he had already cut himself.

When I had to let him up, I told him to just stay here and wait for the police, but he ran outside. I followed him as best I could, down around the block and up the next street over. I called the police myself to give them an update on his location.

I don't think I understood what pain and anguish really were until I was running down the street with my sons blood on me.

They picked him up, he gave himself up right away. They put him in protective custody for a bit, took him to the emergency room, spoke to an emergency counselor and we picked him up. While in the emergency room, we got a call from our other son that Grandpa had had a seizure and was being airlifted to spokane.

Its been rough ever since, easier as the weeks went on, but nothing will ever be the same again. I'm not going to go into any more detail at the moment, but ultimately I decided that since he so desperately wants to live with his mom, even though its clearly a worse place for him on multiple levels, I felt like suicide was on the table if he stayed here, and the chances were reduced if we lived where he wanted. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make and part of me has regretted it ever since. In so many ways its for the best, except for him, in every way living down there is worse for him other than finally getting what he wants. Worse schools, worse environment, less accountability and responsibility.

Then a little over a week ago my step dad had yet another seizure. Not sure how many he has had since the cancer treatment started, 5 or 6 at least (but only 2 in the 25 years previous). His back was bothering him, so two days ago he had an x-ray done in spokane, by the time they got home they had messages telling them to take him straight to the emergency room, he had broken his back. They think he fell against the toilet during his seizure possibly. I think he will be ok, but its really wearing on him, on all of us.

So to summarize, this has been a fucked up year. I love my wife, I love my kids, and I'm doing the best I can, but lately it doesn't feel like my best is enough anymore.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Change is in the Air

2014 was a very busy year.

Jadon struggled in 6th grade, but closed out his 2nd semester in a strong way. Tristan finished 5th grade at the top of his class. Jadon continued doing very well with his trumpet playing but ultimately decided not to pursue it going in to 7th grade.

I got season tickets to the Cougs for the first time this year, it was awesome! We went to 7 total games, I've never gone to so many in one year before.

The biggest change in my life happened in May, I made the decision to end things with my long time fiancee Samantha. There are a lot of personal reasons I had for doing this, she's a great person, we got a long great which made things difficult, but ultimately the "relationship" side of things had been struggling for years.

It was an extremely difficult decision, but I decided it was for the best for myself, my boys and for her. I made the decision to wait until the boys left for the summer so that we could hash out the details while they were away. When the time came I did speak to her about it right when I wanted to. We both handled the conversations very well, but I know I was hurting her, and I was very unsure of myself and nervous about it all, I chickened out after a couple of days and agreed to keep trying.

This was a huge mistake, unfortunately I had really checked out of the relationship in May, not even really interested in continuing to try, after a couple more months went by, I think it became clear to Samantha that I wasn't trying. She came home one night in late September and started asking me questions about our relationship, by the end of that conversation it was pretty much official, we were broken up.

It was strained at first, then kind of blew up in our faces 2-3 weeks into the breakup. The ultimate result is, I don't think she and I can be friends anymore. I know she loves the boys and the boys love her, I want to encourage them to maintain a friendship, but I won't facilitate it.

Money has been very very tight, I will definitely have to move into a less expensive place soon.

Jadon has had a very strong first semester as a 7th grader. I haven't gotten his report card yet, but I believe it is all As and Bs, he may have one C+ on there though, great improvement over last year, I think he has improved so much.

Tristan picked the Saxophone for 6th grade band, he seems to really enjoy it. He sounds good while practicing, but unfortunately his first concert was cancelled due to his band teacher being ill. I think the differences between elementary school and middle school have thrown Tristan off his game, his grades have been really really poor, its gotten way out of hand. The last 6 weeks of school have been very hard for him as he has tried to bring his grades up. He has put some work in, and we will see how well he did once I get his report card.

Tristan played tackle football for the first time this year, he loved it. Unfortunately his season ended early when he got a knee injury during practice. He got to meet Cougar receiver Vince Mayle who had a tremendous senior year, hopefully he will move on to the pros and have a great career representing the crimson and grey. Tristan is psyched to play 7th grade football as an LMS Spartan!

There is a shit load of stuff I am probably leaving out, its been 13 months since my last blog so I am kind of just hitting the high notes.

Which bring me to some rather big news, saving the best for last :-). Its not really news to my family and friends, just news to my blog itself. I have found an amazing woman.

Her name is Tawni. I guess I should start off by telling you how we met. I met her on Myspace 6 years ago! We planned our first date on Valentines Day 2009! It did not turn out very well though, dating was still new and I was a wreck because my grandma was passing away in the hospital, no excuses though, the date was one misstep after another. Sounds like she has been telling her friends all about it for the last 6 years as a great example of a bad date lol.

We did not stay in touch all this time, we don't even use MySpace anymore lol. Facebook recommended her as a potential friend, turns out we have a couple mutual friends on there, I thought it was kind of cool, a blast from my past, so I added her and we started chatting and catching up. It was kind of weird, considering how bad our date had been.

After I became single again, we kept chatting and expressed interest in giving this a second shot. I never could have guessed that I would get a chance to redeem myself, but we have now been dating for 4 months (in a few days at least) and it has been so amazing.

Tawni is incredible, she is beautiful, smart, funny, creative, down to earth, loving, competitive and just plain amazing in every way. I have fallen head over heels in love with her and look forward to an amazing future with her.

Everything happens for a reason, we clearly weren't ready for each other 6 years ago. We've gone through a lot since then. Now, I couldn't ask for a better woman to live out my days with. She is everything I want in a woman and somehow she is also everything I needed. I just hope that I can fill her life with as much love and happiness as she has been giving to me

She has an amazing daughter named Calista who is 12 years old, about 13 months younger than Jadon, 5 months older than Tristan. They all get along great, they've all 3 acted like brothers and sisters from the first time they met.

We have decided to take our first big step towards that future, we are moving into our first place together this month. We found an amazing place at a great price, moving day can't get here soon enough!

We have several fun trips to Seattle planned soon, after moving has calmed down a bit. The boys are starting their second semester of the school year and I am hoping they start it strongly and finish strongly.

This is going to be such an amazing year! I'm not sure I believe in soul-mates or not, but if such a thing exists, I have found her, I love her so much, the here and now is incredible, I can't wait to see what the future holds.

2015, here I come!

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Welcome to 2014!

Hello America, and Happy New Year.

This will be the 9th year of my blog, there have been some light years and some heavy years for blogging, some ups and some downs in life are recorded within. A lot can certainly happen in 9 years.

This is the first time in 9 years that I've written a blog on the first day of a new year (though I hit the 2nd day once). It is kind of surprising as I'm a bit of a sucker for reminiscing on holidays and birthdays.

I'm not someone who puts much stock in new years resolutions, but I've still done it every year (I think). Keep it simple.

For the proceeding resolutions I will be listening to "Highway to Hell" by ACDC, listen along if you wish.

1) Lose some more weight. I'd like to lost another 15 pounds minimum by the end of the year. I think it is within reach, I've been averaging almost 20 so far.

2) Progress my career. Not sure where to go next exactly, I like the career track I am on, but it relies heavily upon the growth of my department. Soon the company will have a new Senior Shipping/Receiving Line Lead position, which would be the next logical step towards becoming a Supervisor/Manager over Shipping/Receiving/Inventory/Materials.

(Now I'm listening to "Everyday is Exactly The Same" by Nine Inch Nails)

I've just started the process to go bankrupt... its lame, but unfortunately necessary. I've fought the idea for five years, trying my best to pay things off. I'm now paying $700 to $800 a month just to debt and I barely have any money to set aside for christmas, birthdays, vacations, activities for the kids, cars for the kids when they turn 16, and so many other things I want to do, but can't. I've paid my due for the sins of my past, the ignorance and irresponsibility. Its time for a clean slate, so that I can finally start looking forward towards my future, towards the boys future.

3) Start and aggressive savings plan.

4) Start the kids in football.

5) Do something fun for Spring Break with the kids.

Now for my Nerd Goals of the year. Time to put some music on that will pump me up "Renegades of Funk" by Rage Against the Machine.

6) Practice Making RPG Games with RPG Maker on my PC and make at least 1 polished, but short, game before the end of the year.

7) Learn how to program in Ruby

8) Teach my kids the fundamentals of Computer Programming

9) Teach the boys how to play Dystopian Wars, finish painting my fleets.

10) Show the boys how to build and set up their own computers.

11) Finish reading the Star Wars RPG and play it with Samantha and the boys.

12) Beat or Advance the following games:

  • Assassins Creed 3 (Ongoing)
  • Assassins Creed 4
  • The Last of Us
  • Dishonored (Ongoing)
  • Deus Ex: Human Revolution (Ongoing)
  • Final Fantasy X HD (AGAIN, 3rd time)
  • Final Fantasy XIII (Ongoing)
  • Final Fantasy XIII-2
  • Kingdom Hearts HD (AGAIN)
  • Metal Gear Solid 3
  • Metal Gear Solid 4
  • Transformers: War for Cybertron (Ongoing)
  • Duke Nukem 3D: Megaton Edition (AGAIN)
  • Shadow Warrior Classic Redux (AGAIN)
  • Dead Island
  • Dead Space
  • Fallout 3 (Ongoing)
  • Skyrim (Ongoing)
  • Warhammer 40k Dawn of War 2 (Ongoing)
  • Torchlight 2 (Ongoing)
  • The Wolf Among Us
  • Star Wars The Force Unleashed (Ongoing)
  • Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning
  • Mass Effect
  • Dragon Age 2
  • Grand Theft Auto IV
  • Grand Theft Auto V
  • Gears of War 2
  • Gears of War 3
  • LEGO Lord of the Rings (Ongoing)
  • LEGO Batman 2
  • LEGO Marvel Heroes
  • Hitman Absolution (AGAIN)
  • God of War Chains of Olympus
  • God of War Ghost of Sparta
  • God of War (AGAIN)
  • God of War 2 (AGAIN)
  • God of War 3
  • Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time HD
  • Prince of Persia: Warrior Within HD
  • Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones HD
  • World of Warcraft (Get 2 more characters to max level)
  • Star Wars The Old Republic (Get 3 more characters to max level)
  • Diablo 3 PC (Get 1 more character to level 60)
  • Diablo 3 XBox (Get 2 characters to level 60)
  • DC Universe Online PS3 (Get 1 character to max level)
  • Marvel Heroes Online (Get Cable to max level)
  • And More...???
13) Read more books, start with:

  • Inferno by Dan Brown
  • Tides of War by Stephen Pressfield (Re-Read)
  • The Profession by Stephen Pressfield
  • The Harsh Cry of the Heron by Lian Hearn
  • Heaven's Net is Wide by Lian Hearn
  • Pompeii by Robert Harris
  • Lustrum by Robert Harris
14) Complete my Collections of old Star Wars CCG cards, down to less than 100 cards missing

15) Most important resolution of all, blog more. Probably the most difficult out of the whole list. Once a month is all I ask.

Jadon's is doing great with learning the Trumpet, I think he is liking Middle School more than Elementary. He just made a new friend, but he has been having trouble having a social life so far this year. Until the last 3 weeks he hadn't done anything with friends outside of school at all, but he made a new friend and had him over and went to his party all right before winter break. So things are looking up I think. His grades are holding steady, he struggles at times but he has exceptional determination when faced with challenges. He will be turning 13 later this year, a teenager, scary :-)

Tristan is enjoying being the big man on campus, 5th graders. He and his friends play football everyday, its almost always the first thing I hear when he gets home, all the touchdowns he has made, all the cool plays they did. I remember those days! Tristan started slow socially too, but it comes a bit more naturally for him, he seems to be with friends all the time. He is excited to start middle school later in the year, he is interested in playing drums or sax.

Samantha and I have done a great job budgeting over the last year, this bankruptcy should help take the strain off our budgeting sessions. We won't be getting married this year, but now that we actually have the ability to set money aside for it, we will possibly choose a date.

I'm excited to get our tax refund this year, we've got lots of plans, but the foremost plan that has been on my list for a long time is acquiring the components for building new computers for the boys and Samantha to help build and use.

All in all I go into 2014 with a fair bit of hope. So as my first blog of the year comes to a close, I raise my glass and say cheers! Cheers to my family, cheers to my friends... cheers to the future.

My parting gifts are quotes from Napoleon Bonaparte that apply to our current national political climate:

1) "Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich"
2) "In politics stupidity is not a handicap"
3) "If you wish to be a success in the world, promise everything, deliver nothing"
4) "Among those who dislike oppression are many who like to oppress"
5) "A celebrated people lose dignity upon a closer view"
6) "Men are more easily governed through their vices than their virtues"

Goodnight,

-J

Saturday, October 26, 2013

MRI And The Infinite Sadness

God I love to explain my titles. I used to come up with such witty shit, today's title feels like a return to form for me. If you don't recognize it then you are a heathen! Greatest Smashing Pumpkins album of all time. I toyed with the idea of calling today's blog Bullet with MRI Wings, but it doesn't quite roll of the tongue the same. Besides as much as I love the song Bullet With Butterfly Wings, that's not even my favorite song on the album. That glorious honor goes to the song 1979 (note: when I went to type the title 1979 I found out to my chagrin that Num-Lock was not on, fucking world of warcraft always leaves my keyboard in disarray). If you haven't heard the song 1979 by the Smashing Pumpkins in awhile (or ever, you heretic), take a moment to listen to it and then we'll meet again in the next paragraph.

.......

Well done good sir or lady (unless you didn't listen to it.... asshole).

Obviously there is something on my mind, as you can probably tell from the title I used and the shitty title that I had no intention of using (because it sucked, but hey, talking about it didn't suck so bad, did it?). Before I go on I would just like to note for you, the reader, that I have no idea why I feel the need to add incessant commentary to my own writing, it seems self serving (but I do find it to be hysterical). Back to whats been on my mind today: I don't really have anything to worry about, let me just say that up front; The odds of them finding something wrong are so low that I shouldn't even give it a second thought, but I am worried, that's what I do, I think about things too deeply (and use commas a lot, but hey, this isn't a fucking essay I have to turn in later, and I would feel no shame if it was).

Damn, I literally completely lost my train of thought.

I should state for the record that while I am fairly private when it comes to my sex life, I am not a private person in any other regard. For background on whats been happening, I've exhibited symptoms of potential low testosterone for a number of years. Running some tests back in 2009 and more tests this year, we discovered, in fact, that my testosterone and a number of other hormones my body is supposed to have in abundance, are low. With so many hormones being low, they want to check it at the source before they look into other options for correcting this. So on Monday I am going in for an MRI on my headal/brainal region (as the industry professionals would say). They are going to be specifically looking at any potential issues with my pituitary gland.

Like I said in one of the sentences above, the expectation is that we will find nothing and continue with some kind of run of the mill treatment. I don't have anything to worry about. Yet... I worry. Sometimes I'm fine, sometimes Im just so focused I'm not even thinking about it at all (thank you inventory discrepancies, what a welcome distraction [I totally forgot how to portray sarcasm properly in my writing, so, trust me, sarcasm in abundance with the inventory discrepancy comment]).

Wow, lost my train of thought again. Going off on barely related tangents is killer tonight. Writing at 2 am does that too a man I suppose. On the good side of things, Free Fallin by Tom Petty just started playing. All the vampires walkin through the valley, move west down ventura boulevard, and all the bad boys standing in the shadows, and the good girls are home with broken hearts, and I'm free, free fallin.

We don't have to talk about that shit anymore, what a downer. In the meantime I should mention that my kids and fiancee bought me a new game as a pick-me-up gift, Batman Arkham Origins! Played the shit out of that game for like an hour tonight before my eyelids could barely stay open, then instead of going to bed like a rational human being, I walked straight (holy shit Killing Me Softly by The Fugees just came on, I have exceptional taste in music)... walked straight to the office and proceeded to watch three episodes of season 6 of Californication. God I love that show.

Seeing all the shit Hank was going through in that show, and him being a writer and all, I felt compelled to return to my blog and pour my heart out to you, whoever you are.

So my financial situation could't be better, and the statement it couldn't be worse is equally true. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but its definitely gotten worse before its gotten better. I won't go into detail... at the moment.

Have I told you I love my new job? Its not new anymore I suppose, 10 months into it. I work with a lot of awesome people, I enjoy what I actually do and the amount of responsibility I have. There are only two downsides, the first is that I have more work than I could possibly keep up with at the moment, the second is the "political" side of the job. People are just too damn sensitive, I feel like I need to tread lightly when it comes to talking to some particular people (if you are reading this, I assure you that you are not one of those people). When our supervisor Nick was around he constantly warned me in our one on ones that I needed to speak cautiously, not be critical of peoples failures, and try to only put a positive spin on things. I see what he means, and I agree with him, I just wish it wasn't necessary for me to walk on eggshells. Sometimes you need to call a dud a dud and start from scratch.

Either way, its my second favorite job of all time (come on, working at a bookstore was fucking rad, even though at the time I was making 1/3rd the amount of money I make now).

My mind is tired, its running a thousand miles a second, but I'm starting to have trouble keeping it on track at all. I think tonight's blog is coming to a close. Caffeine is to blame for this, I have it so rarely now that it hits me like a ton of bricks.

Anyway, thanks for reading this far (you better not have skipped to the end, if you did, I'm sure you missed something hilarious).

Time to put an end to this touchy feely emo shit, I bid thee adieu.

-The J

PS: I Said GOOD DAY SIR!

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Its Difficult to be a Parent

It can be difficult to be a parent at times. My son Jadon had to get some teeth pulled last week and he had a really rough time. I feel like I've asked a lot of him in regards to his teeth, he's been a real trooper.

It hurts me to see him hurt and this time was the worst. He has always been afraid of shots, or sitting in the eye doctors chair, and dentists. He has been starting to do better with the dental stuff though, he did really well when they took out his baby teeth early. But that was a cake walk compared to this.

He was begging me not to make him do it, and they hadn't even started yet. It took forever just to get the four shorts in, one for each tooth. Finally after twenty or more minutes of struggling with it he buckled down, laid back and said "I'm doing this for you Dad!"

....

Then the easy part was over, Jadon didn't really expect the teeth coming out to hurt so bad, he recalled what it was like to get the baby teeth out, well, these weren't baby teeth. He did well during the first tooth, but as soon as it was out, he flipped, he was in so much pain, he was bawling his eyes out, he was so upset, pleading with me to make it stop. I felt so bad, I questioned whether what I was doing was right or not. And many times I nearly broke and called the rest of it off.

But all through it I stayed strong, I reassured him that what we were doing was the right thing, that even though it hurt now, it would be worth it. Its difficult to keep that panic you feel in your heart from taking control.

I love you Jadon, I'm sorry this hurt so much, and I promise when we get the wisdom teeth out in a few years that we'll knock you out this time.

Just a quick rundown for the rest of the blog. Boys are back in school, Jadon is in 6th grade, Tristan is in 5th. Jadon started Band, he is playing the Trumpet (and he was practicing today, even though it wasn't required, the cat was not happy). Tristan is going to be a crossing guard, he is pretty excited.

Cougs play their first football game this Saturday, I'm psyched for the new season to start. I think we have a chance to make it a good game against Auburn. I'm heading to Seattle this weekend to go to PAX.

Thats about it for now.

-J